This will come as a shock to anyone who has met me recently, particularly DD, but I didn’t talk much over the last decade.
My verbal skills were at their poorest between 2007 and 2014. Especially around my husband, where I became virtually mute. We’d go out for dinner and I’d struggle to think of anything to say to him.
On car trips, he’d buy me a Diet Coke – despite vehmently disapproving of it – because he knew the caffeine would loosen my tongue.
I have no idea why my marriage failed, I was so much fun!
I could now qualify for the Olympics if they introduced talking as an official sport.
I am a champion at it.
I am particularly chattery when I am high on caffeinated beverages.
A few years ago I waxed lyrical about not realising everyone was legally high until I discovered iced coffee:
When I had to give up sugar and carbohydrates after developing a disaccharide deficiency and I got rather heavily into Diet Coke. On the scale of one to 10, Diet Coke is pretty low in the buzz stakes. But as a newbie to stimulants, I was jazzed.
After a few years, I started wanting more … so I’d treat myself to a sugar-free V when I did the supermarket shopping. Sometimes Husband would offer to do the shopping for me, but no way Jose, that twirl through the aisles with caffeine coursing through my veins and The Village People pumping through the muzak system was all mine.
I knew how bad all that nasty stuff in the diet drinks was for me, but I couldn’t resist.
Prior to the school holidays I was downing two cans of Diet Coke a day. Two. Gasp.
When I got back from hols, I decided it was time for a change. No more phenylalanine.
But I wasn’t sure I could make it without some sort of caffeine in my life. So I tried drinking this 28 White stuff, with acai berries and stevia and other natural ingredients. Yergh.
Then I started making my own DIY iced coffees with caramel flavoured coffee, lactose-free milk and stevia. Meh, they were OK, not great.
And finally, I looked up as I crossed the road in the city a few weeks ago and spotted nirvana – Starbucks. I know, I know … but they do these caramel frappuccino things that are totally awesome, and which I’ve convinced myself aren’t too bad for me if I skip the whip and drizzle on top. All that calcium will fight off the osteoporosis … it’s a health measure, really.
So I’m having one every morning. And buzzing through ’til lunchtime. High. On caffeine. Like the rest of the world has been all my life and I didn’t realise.
I watch people now, sitting in coffee shops or getting their takeaways and think: “Fancy that, you’re getting legally high!” I’m particularly impressed by the ones at Starbucks who get their coffees in milkshake-sized cups. Wow, they must be bouncing off the walls by 10am.
I was so naive. A babe in the woods.
Yesterday morning I had two strong flat whites in an hour, between 9 and 10am.
Those calorie-laden Starbucks iced coffees ain’t got nuthin’ on that.
I was buzzing like an electrical sub-station.
I was so legally high I’m surprised I wasn’t speaking in tongues.
I am a bit worried my new workmates think I am the crazy woman who cackles in the corner. Some very funny things are posted on social media that I find particularly amusing after four shots of coffee in 60 minutes.
Are you addicted to caffeine?
Does it make you babble?
PS I have illustrated this post with an accidentally penis-decorated flat white I enjoyed at George Calombaris’ Gazi restaurant with my sister-in-law recently.
Song of the day: Amy Winehouse “Addicted”