Eeek! I have a wattle!

Not on my nature strip. On my neck.

You remember wattles? Richard Fish made them famous on Ally McBeal, stroking them in a fetish-like way on the necks of older women such as Dyan Cannon and Janet Reno (see below).

I was blissfully unaware of mine until I was sitting at the hairdresser’s yesterday.

Those farking mirrors in hairdressing salons. I farking hate them. They’re every bit as unflattering as the ones in changerooms and you’re forced to look into them for a whole hour while your hair is being chopped.

Normally I stare gloomily at my matronly knees and tree-trunk calves. But yesterday I watched myself swallow and what I thought was my adam’s apple bobbing up and down stayed put.

Because it wasn’t my adam’s apple. It was my WATTLE.

Argggggghhhhhh! I have a wattle!

Sob. That is all.