Al’s On-Line Therapy Service

Are you happy? Are you unhappy? Are you sure? How can you tell? I think there should be a pill that people take – just once, mid-life – that shows what true happiness feels like. I don’t mean blurry alcohol or drug induced euphoria, with its subsequent hangover and regrets. (I’m giving that one a whirl at […]

Major meltdown

They say bad things come in threes. Like the time Sprog 1 tripped over Husband’s ugg boot and hit her head on the corner of a wardrobe, drank old milk from a stray baby bottle, then started throwing up. (Those vomit stories just keep on coming!) Was it concussion, food poisoning or a virus? We went to Casualty to […]

The shame file

There are many things I’ve done in my life that I’m ashamed to admit. I once mouthed “you’re ugly” to a toddler screaming over her mother’s shoulder in a check-out queue. The toddler promptly vomited all over my shoes. I was wearing thongs. I think that’s what you call karma. Speaking of vomit … I […]

Where for art thou, cheese and bacon roll?

Do your children snack on fruit, low-sodium wholewheat crackers and natural yoghurt? Well bully for you. Sprog 2’s diet drives me to despair. She’s a processed food junkie. There’s one faintly beige “wholemeal” bread she’ll eat. Her morning tea is a shameful collection of little plastic-wrapped, artificially coloured and flavoured treats. Getting her to consume […]

Country girl?

Fresh air, cheap houses, gourmet produce … Every time I visit Albury I want to move there. Really. It helps that my parents-in-law live in fantasy land. They have a brand new house with every mod-con, even a ducted vacuum system. Ooooh, I’d love a ducted vacuum system. The in-laws serve fancy nibbles before dinner each night: […]

Christmas cuckoo

I’ve lost it. Totally lost it. Nothing else explains my delirious excitement about Christmas. I can’t wait. I’m beside myself with anticipation. I haven’t felt this way since I was 10. Well, more like 22. (There was this crazy phase between 18 and 22 where I sewed Christmas stockings for my parents, sister and grandparents and buzzed around searching for little gifts to fill them with each […]

Diet! Diet! Or I’m gonna roll away …

There’s this song stuck in my head. It’s by The Village People. The Village People were my favourite band when I was 13. I saw Can’t Stop The Music many, many, many times at the cinema. (Erm, and I now own it on DVD.) I wanted to marry Randy. He was the cowboy. I had no idea The Village People were […]

Naked ambition

Some school mums got naked in the lounge room yesterday. I wanted to strip and join them, but I was too shy. They go to the gym every day, they’re all skinny and toned. They tried to talk me into taking my clothes off. They assured me a bit of belly blubber didn’t matter. I just couldn’t. Let me explain … the mums have bought a salon-standard […]

Half-baked idea

What sadist mother came up with the concept of sending your child to school with cupcakes on their birthday? Twenty-six more bloody cupcakes. I’ve had it up to HERE with sugar, butter and flour. I spent all of Friday baking spider cupcakes, tombstone cupcakes and eyeball soup birthday cakes for Sprog 1’s birthday party. The chickens […]

Maybe baby?

Someone asked if I was pregnant in the playground yesterday. I get that a lot. And it’s not just a since-I-left-work-and-let-myself-go thing. Once, when the office lunch trolley man posed the question, I growled, “Nuh, just fat … pass the lasagne.” Years ago, a French work associate congratulated me on my happy news. I told him I was “just fat” too. […]