The shame file

There are many things I’ve done in my life that I’m ashamed to admit. I once mouthed “you’re ugly” to a toddler screaming over her mother’s shoulder in a check-out queue. The toddler promptly vomited all over my shoes. I was wearing thongs. I think that’s what you call karma. Speaking of vomit … I once threw up in a friend’s beanie at a party and hid it under his bed. I still squirm when I recall my audible sighs whenever my great-grandmother tried to chat to me during school holidays (I really wish I could turn back time on that one.) And, while it makes me cringe to write the words, I’ve gained 9.8kgs in the past 18 months. Regular readers will be familiar with my woe-is-me refrain on the subject, but I finally mean business. Last time I lost weight I had an enzyme deficiency that prevented me absorbing carbs and sugars (very handy), this time I’m on my own. I’ve never lost weight without a medical condition before. Is it hard? It looks hard. My sister managed it by banning alcohol until she lost 10kg. Being particularly fond of a pinot grigio, it worked like a dream; she looks fab. I’m not sure I’d survive such a brutal regime, especially during the festive season. So I’m going to mimic my enzyme deficiency instead. No carbs, no sugar. By all means, let me know if you have a better solution (other than stomach sleeving or starvation). To keep me on the straight and narrow, I plan to include any diet transgressions in my blog. Let’s see if that stops me. Diet starts today. I prepared for it last night by opening and eating the bag of toffees my in-laws brought me from Scotland, ordering a mound of home-delivered Thai food, washing it down with half a bottle of chenin blanc, then polishing off some gourmet chocolate Husband gave me. I briefly pondered joining the gym. But I’ve decided to save that until phase two of Operation Slim Down. Best to take these things in small steps.

PS To the neighbour who chose to leaf-blow his backyard at 10.30pm last night: I’m not ashamed to say I wished I had a spud gun. I’d have commando climbed fences til I found you, then I’d have let you have it.

TONIGHT’S MENU: Chicken tagine on cous cous (non dieters) or grilled eggplant (me).