The divorce diet isn’t working any more

It’s time to have another crack at warbling a little song I wrote – with a little help from Sinead O’Connor – back in January 2013.

It went like this …


Nothing compares 2 Food

It’s been seven hours and fifteen seconds
Since I took the carbs away
I lay awake all night and I want to sleep all day
Since I took the carbs away

Since they’ve been gone I can chew whatever veg I want
I can sip tea whenever I choose
I can eat salad in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away the carb blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to (real) food

It’s been so lonely without bread here
Like a bird without a crumb
Nothing can stop my lonely tummy from rumbling
Tell me belly, where did I go wrong?

I can put my gums around all the celery sticks I see
But they only remind me of what I’d rather chew  

I went to the doctor n’guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better try and avoid buns
No matter what you do
He’s so cruel
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to (real) food

All the kilos that you added, mama
On my backside
Better slide now you’ve gone away
I know that living without hot chips will be sometimes hard
I’m already killing to give ’em another fry

Nothing compares
Nothing compares to (real) food
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to (real) food
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to (real) food

It’s a painful anthem, but I can no longer ignore how uncomfortable my body is getting with the excess.

I’ve started doing that unconscious thing again … gravitating to leggings and baggy shirts. I’ve subconsciously stopped trying on pants in stores so I don’t have to face the number on the tag.

But there’s this BIG problem: I’ve never been very good at showing restraint. The only times I’ve ever lost weight previously were when I had disaccaride deficiencies that made me hideously ill and when I went on The Divorce Diet.

My ex left in February 2014 and by July 2014 I noted: “So I’m on this thing called The Divorce Diet. It’s awesome. No counting calories, no starving yourself. All you do is get dumped by your partner of 23 years. And, voila, you lose 10kg in four months.”

I looked AMAZING without those 10kg. All hollow cheeked and willowy (with my clothes on, without them I looked like a sharpei).

But the weight has been slowly creeping back on since I met DD.

Happiness … and drinking wine while snacking on salt and pepper squid in bars … tends to have that effect.

But it’s time to reign in the fried food, turn away from the sugar and say no to that third glass of wine. The heartburn that wakes me at 1am tells me so …

Well, maybe after the holidays.

I’m having too much fun right now.

And I spent so many years with a fun deficit, I think I deserve a little excess.


4 thoughts on “The divorce diet isn’t working any more

Add yours

  1. Give me happy and plump any day. I lost 5kgs in 4 weeks a year ago when my son was going through a major crisis and even though I didn’t mind looking skinny I hated how it felt. So weak! So fragile! I’m not sad to have put the weight back on. It means that we’re all in a better place.

  2. While the divorce diet is certainly effective (5 kgs in a week and 10 kgs in 4 weeks) I wouldnt recommend it to anyone! I still weigh less than I did at 19 and I was thin then. As was said above, I’d rather be plump and happy.

    Keep on enjoying yourself and it doesn’t matter. Enjoy your third glass of wine.

    It’s the hassle of having to buy new clothes when nothing fits that I didn’t want.

  3. My mum once commented that she was extremely concerned that I was going to kill my hubby very slowly death by sugar! I love to bake and in our 15years of marriage he has put on over 20kgs (meanwhile I have lost weight hmmmm what does that say he is happy and I am not …. that is something to ponder at another time I think)

    Cath xoxo

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