I have a terrible memory. Terrible.
Whole swathes of people and events have been erased.
How do you erase people? Especially ones who remember you, by name?
I manage it somehow.
It occurred to me this morning at the gym – I get some of my best thinking done while holding a heavy bar above my head – that I’ve forgotten just about everything, both good and bad, that my ex-husband ever said to me.
Only two remarks remain.
When I told him – post break-up – that I would always love him, he replied: “I will always hold you in the highest regard.”
Just before we broke up we went to Bunnings and I gazed longingly at the most fabulous barbecue system, with a sink and bar fridge and wok burner.
Our barbecue was a rusted heap that he refused to replace, I suspect because he knew he wasn’t going to be using it in the future. A bit like he kept changing the subject when I tried to talk to him about replacing our rusted heap of a car.
When I expressed my desire for the whizz-bang barbecue, he intoned: “Alana, happiness is not to be found in a new barbecue.”
As I lay in my cracked, scratched bathtub last night reading Home Beautiful and drinking wine (poor me!) it was tempting to think he was wrong about the happiness thing.
I can’t imagine be anything other than happy sitting beside this fireplace, for example …
But I have to admit he’s kinda right. One of the happiest moment I had yesterday was taking the dog for a walk. I’m lucky enough to live near some gorgeous busy scenery and my heart soared as we meandered our way through it.
It felt wonderful. And I didn’t have to eat or shop my feelings to get the buzz.
This morning, on the other hand, I’m desperate to shop my feelings and buy myself a little happiness.
Even though I can’t afford to shop I’m bleak about the day ahead – drizzly, no kids, no boyfriend, muddy dog prints to mop, dirty dishes to wash, car to clean – and tempted to buy a little something to cheer myself up.
Maybe a new pair of black sandshoes … they should be cheap at Kmart …
I’ll wash that down with a Diet Coke, give myself a temporary rush.
Then, if the weather clears, I’ll pop a natural happy pill by going on another glorious walk.
What does your Sunday hold?
Song of the day: Split Enz “Message to my girl” (sooooooo beautiful – the words make me all happy teary)