My house is a total sty … insomnia is being a bore/boar … and some beastly lady plumbing procedures are being performed on me this morning … so it seems appropriate that I recall the day, exactly one year ago, that the universe sent me a pig.
I was out walking with my friend Fee after having some sort of unpleasant interaction with my ex, which I have thankfully erased from my memory, that apparently (according to the blog) caused my eyes to leak.
About 10 minutes into my restorative walk, I heard a snorting, squealing noise and spotted a small furry creature trotting towards us.
My first thought was “Wow, that dog has some serious sinus issues …” and then I realised it was a pig.
The pig bolted straight past us.
Suspecting he was an escapee pet, I knelt down and started saying something cliched like “Here piggy, piggy!” Remarkably, it worked – he trotted over and let me pat him. I grabbed the fuzzy little porker and he started thrashing and squealing the street down. (I’ve since been told pigs bite … that would NOT have been bulk fun.)
I held onto Mr Piggy tightly … because it was extremely important that my friend Fee capture the bizarre moment on her phone … oh, and because I wanted to reunite him safely with his owner.
There are too many bizarre moments in my life that haven’t been visually recorded – like the time I saw a prawn frantically crawling down the street, trying to escape our favourite yum cha restaurant, the bloke I saw dragging a giant cross down Lane Cove Road when I was driving back from jail one time, and the other bloke carrying a giant statue of the Virgin Mary the entire length of the Pilgrim Trail in Spain.
I quickly decided the universe had sent me a pig because … it’s impossible to stay miserable when the universe sends you a pig.
Anyways, Mr Piggy’s ear-splitting squeals alerted the owner to her pet being on the loose. She shot out of her house screaming PUT HIM DOWN!!! PUT HIM DOWN!!!!
Chill, lady, I was just trying to prevent Mr Piggy becoming bacon under someone’s car wheels.
Turns out pigs don’t like being picked up because it makes them feel like prey.
So I plonked him on the ground, he hightailed it home and Fee and I continued our walk.
There will be no walking this morning because an ultrasound technician is poking a big white sonic stick thingy up my nethers at 9am.
I am NOT looking forward to it … or the miserable discussion about my options with my gyno that will follow on Monday.
As usual, open House will keep you posted. Male readers, you have been pre-warned.
Song of the day: Des’ree “You gotta be”