Googled by my gyno


I returned to the gynocologist yesterday to discuss my plumbing issues. He was totally cool with me not wanting to have my muffler removed via my tailpipe. So we’re going for plan B: something called a Mirena, combined with a “wait and see” approach.

The Mirena is a type of IUD that releases hormones into your uterus. It can help with the sort of issues I’m having down there.

I feel sooooooooo much better about getting the Mirena, even though the gyno is worried he won’t be able to insert it without a general anaesthetic due to me having a virgin cervix that hasn’t squeezed a baby out.

As I texted to a friend: “Went back to gyno – am getting IUD thingy instead of surgery!! Booked for insertion next Friday. No exclamation marks after that bit because apparently it hurts.”

Since I was paying $100 to make a return visit to the gyno, I decided to get my money’s worth and made him examine the lumps the bikini waxer discovered in my groin recently.

Turns out there’s nothing to worry about because they’re just “necrotic fat deposits.” Now, doesn’t that sound sexy? Yep, there are bits of dead fat are floating around in my nethers. I really should put that in my RSVP profile – my “kisses” will skyrocket.

I shoot the breeze with EVERYONE these days so, after I’d shimmied off the gyno’s examination table, we started discussing my job. And the gyno admitted he’d Googled me after my last visit, following my suggestion he read a story I’d written about Lara Bingle (and her amazing boobs). I told him Googling me had taken on a whole new dimension in the past week due to the phrase “triceratops sex position.”

I explained the coincidence of me blogging about dinosaur porn last  year and how it had brought me to the top of the Google search algorithm after the TV show Blackish referred to a sex act modelled on a certain three-horned fossil.

The gyno confessed he had no idea about the triceratops sex position, despite tending to lady bits for a living.

I told him it involved three blokes and one chick … and he still looked blank. I suggested he think about it for while. I’m sure it will come to him eventually.

Much explosive laughter accompanied the whole discussion, which I figure probably either made all the women in the waiting room very nervous or reassured them that it wasn’t all forceps and horror on the other side of the door.

Afterwards, I headed to the chemist to get my Mirena. It’s funny that at age 46 you can still feel squirmy about buying things like condoms and birth control apparatus. The Mirena comes in the most ENORMOUS box, like it’s deliberately trying to embarrass you publicly. I wanted to wave a sign around saying “I’m getting it for MEDICAL purposes everyone!”

And now comes the anxious wait for the insertion next Friday. Knowing me, I’ll be sure to give you the full rundown … possibly a blog my male followers should avoid next Saturday …

Song of the day: Madonna “Like a virgin”


10 thoughts on “Googled by my gyno

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  1. I’ve had 3 Mirenas now in my “virgin” cervix. First one was one of the first done by the dr when they were brand new… She didn’t realise that I’d had two caesarians until I was on the table. Oops. She said “well we’ll see how it goes”. I survived it! Second was at a big flashy place where they used a local anaesthetic. Geepers the needle was bad. Very nasty. Third was only a few months ago and again they didn’t realise I hadn’t popped a watermellon out til I was on the table and they reacted with an oops again. No local and just a moment of an ache like bad period pain. Over in a minute. Well amd truly worth it for the benefits. I had perood problems too and now they’re all gone! 😀 

  2. I had a Mirena inserted under a general around 20 years ago (I had other “things” done to my nether regions as well). I never had any issues with it and finally had it pulled out when it was well and truly geriatric, again with no problems, except the embarrassment experienced by the young male medical student trapped with me in the stirrup position while the gyno went to get longer tongs (or forceps). Note to self: Do not attempt small talk while feet are facing the ceiling … especially do not say you’ll probably catch up with him when he does his psych rotation.

  3. I’ve had a Mirena, too, and like you have only given birth via caesar. My obstetrician tried it without anaesthetic and it was horrific. We did it again with morphine, which was also horrific as morphine and I are not friends. It worked that time, but I ended up getting it removed after a few weeks as the hormones were not kind to me either. So an epic fail on all accounts (but everyone agreed that I was a special case, which – given my gynaecological history – is pretty accurate, So I’m sure you’ll be fine). And yes, I freaked out heaps when the pharmacist gave me the box, and more when he winked and said, “Don’t worry, what’s inside isn’t nearly that big”. Erk. In other, pharmacist-related anecdotes, my pharmacist told me she Googled me after seeing my email address (which references my website). It kind of gave me the shudders, though I haven’t been able to pinpont why. I have no idea why I felt the need to share any of those stories …

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