Farewell to my lady plumbing

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OK, it’s official, the universe hates me.

My lady plumbing is being removed on September 30. Because, you know, I didn’t have enough on my emotional plate.

I held it together when the specialist told me, I joked and laughed, but I was teetering on the edge of tears. Not because I’m particularly fond of my lady plumbing, it’s actually a bit of a pain, but because FARKING HELL HAVEN’T I BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?

Unfortunately, it seems that all the other, less invasive ways of dealing with my problem have a very low chance of success. So lady plumbing removal is the preferred option.

I consider myself quite worldly, but there are many things the specialist told me about lady plumbing removal that quite startled me.

Like I had no idea they whip the cervix out as well. Although apparently that’s a bonus, because you never need another Pap smear and it can make certain activities more “comfortable” for a woman. Cue furious blushing from the patient. (I’ve since Googled this little morsel and there’s an equally blushy school of thought that reckons the cervix should stay, so I’m feeling a little panicked.)

On the subject of blushing, the specialist was keen to point out that lady plumbing removal doesn’t mean never having sex again. The possibility that it might hadn’t occurred to me, but it seems some women are under the misapprehension that it does.

Yes, in 2014.

As for my own misapprehensions, I’d been led to believe lady plumbing could be whipped out like an engine through the tailpipe, which sounded fabulously quick and easy.

But no, in my case it’ll involve some tailpipe action plus three incisions in my belly. So I won’t be showing off my midriff at ’80s parties again for quite some time. Possibly never.

Speaking of my belly, I was fairly preoccupied during the consultation with how long I’d have to wait before resuming gym-related activities. Four bloody weeks. At least. The specialist had to repeat that terrifying figure several times during the consultation because I kept saying:”Hang on … HOW many weeks did you say it would be before I can exercise??”

I’ve put a lot of effort into my abs in recent months, dammit. All bloody wasted and back to square one.

I knew it would be 10 days after the operation before I could drive – a bit of a pisser as a single parent – but I didn’t realise it would also be four weeks before I could work. That’s gonna go down like a bucket of cold vomit on Monday.

My sister-in-law also pointed out I won’t be able to grocery shop, hang washing out, carry anything or clean the house for six weeks.

No biggie with the last one, it’s lucky to happen every six weeks anyway.

And, finally, I’m a little traumatised about losing the cradle that cupped my bubbas for the first nine months of their lives.

Not to mention no longer being capable of having another one. Yes, yes, I know I’m 46, but look at Sonia Kruger. Cruelly, the ultrasound showed that I’m still ovulating. Another baby IS possible.

Of course, I’d be insane to even consider it. But removing the possibility freaks me out slightly. It’s quite confronting to face my childbearing days being officially over.

I called my sister after my appointment, mid-blubber, and asked her what I’d done to deserve ANOTHER awful thing happening to me. Was it because I was a bad person, evidenced by my poor party hosting skills …?

She assured me my poor party hosting skills had nothing to do with my lady plumbing removal. And she insisted that my lady plumbing removal was the last bad thing that was going to happen to me for a loooooong time.

And I was like, yeah, that’s what you said after the last bad thing happened.

And she was like, yes, but this time it’s DEFINITELY the last.

Another startled friend wanted to know how many leprechauns I’d killed in a previous life. Obviously an enormous emerald platoon.

This punk ISN’T feeling lucky.

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8 thoughts on “Farewell to my lady plumbing

  1. Oh Alana, I know life sucks right now, but I’m with your sister – this surely, definitely, is the last bad thing that will happen to you for a very loooooong time. And poor party hosting skills?? The party photos would suggest otherwise! I predict many many good things coming your way:)

  2. My friend had the same thing last year at forty and my mother when she was only 32. They both have only raved about the benefits if that helps. It must be traumatic for you on top of everything else though. I reckon it HAS to be the last bad thing for ever! My only advice is to milk it for all it’s worth. I would x

  3. Oh you poor thing…My friend also had this at about 45 and didn’t exercise either for 4 weeks. But she was still able to walk every day after about 2 weeks and could do hand weights…as she sat on the lounge. Think of the benefits…sitting around web surfing celebrities, houses and other bizarre things on the internet…sounds like bliss to me.

    • Walking and hand weights sound like an excellent plan. As does the internet, now that I finally have it back since this morning (ex husbands come in handy sometimes)

  4. Oh..I forgot I need your advice…I joined a gym…I’m not very overweight (8 kgs)..but more a walker than a gym person. Do you think BodyCombat is a suitable beginner class…or what would you recommend?

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