Ticking all the wrong boxes

Ah, New Year’s Eve … that delusional time of year when everyone resolves to eat less food and guzzle less booze.

Me included … yet again.

I have an additional motivator for abstinence in 2020 – I’ve been consulting with Dr Google and he says I’m too fat.

Well, he didn’t say those exact words, but that’s what he meant.

I asked him: “Why do my feet and ankles hurt when I get out of bed in the morning?”

And he replied: “Plantar fasciitis causes pain in the bottom of the heel. The plantar fascia is a thick, weblike ligament that connects your heel to the front of your foot. It acts as a shock absorber and supports the arch of your foot, helping you walk. The pain is usually worse in the morning when you take your first steps out of bed, or if you’ve been sitting or lying down for a while.”

Otherwise, it might be osteoarthritis. Osteoarthritis is the wearing away of cartilage in the joints and a classic symptom is “start-up” pain and stiffness that loosens up with movement. But I’m sticking with plantar fasciitis for now, it sounds less scary.

Dr Google reckons you’re at greater risk of plantar fasciitis if you:

• Are female
• Are 40 to 60 years old
• Are obese
• Have flat feet or high arches
• Have tight Achilles tendons, or “heel cords”
• Have an unusual walk or foot position
• Often wear high-heeled shoes
• Spend many hours standing each day
• Wear worn-out shoes with thin soles

I tick quite a few of those boxes, I’m female, 51, overweight, have high arches, tend to womble rather than walk and my gym/walking shoes are decrepit.

What tipped things over the edge was painting my house while standing barefoot on a metal ladder for a day. I was cactus that night, from the soles of my feet all the way up to my neck.

Since I can’t do anything about being old, I figure my new year’s resolutions should be to lose weight, get new gym shoes with my Christmas gift money and pay the eldest to finish painting the house.

As for New Year’s Eve itself, there’s such a huge weight of expectation to be part of the action on the night.

But I can’t be bothered battling the crowds and staying up til midnight. It’s never been my speed, even when I was a younger, which lead friends during my twenties to nickname me Cinderella.

So I’m spending the evening at my sister’s house, having a laugh and a champers on her deck. She’s asked me to bring a salad and instead of making something tried and true I’ve decided to experiment with a smoked prawn risoni paella.

I’m not even using a recipe, just making it up. Might be absolutely bletch. Will advise.

What are you doing for New Year’s Eve? Do you have any resolutions?

Song of the day: Prince “1999” (I will never forget dancing to it at the Crazy Horse Nightclub in Newcastle on December 31, 1999)