It’s been five years since my husband left me and I’M STILL FREAKING MARRIED.
I’m done with this no man’s land business – I want a divorce.
I didn’t want to be the one who asked for a divorce. I thought he should be the one to utter the terrible words.
But he never did.
Two years into our separation, I decided I couldn’t be bothered standing on ceremony any more and started the ball rolling myself.
I also did a really dumb thing.
I started writing a celebratory blog post, noting that “it’s scarily easy to get a divorce”.
Here’s what I said:
You just apply for a divorce on the internet. No lawyers necessary.
You don’t even have to say why you want one, just that you do.
Then you upload your marriage certificate and an affidavit and Bob’s your uncle … or not your uncle any more.
It would have been even simpler if I could actually find my marriage certificate, but I have no freaking idea where it went after I signed it on May 20, 2000.
So I drove to the Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages and applied for a new one. That was actually a massive pain in the coit because the government has handily placed the Registry in an area with absolutely NO parking anywhere nearby.
The government also insists on giving you an actual marriage certificate on paper and doesn’t offer an emailed PDF service, which I think would save a lot of hassles and trees. (Especially considering it wants you to submit the certificate as a PDF with your divorce papers!)
Emotionally, there’s nothing easy about filling out that divorce application.
I cried and cried. It’s so huge and final to take that step.
But, as the application states: “At the time of separation did you regard the marriage as over?”
Well, I didn’t, but he did.
And: “Do you think it is likely that you and your spouse will live together again as husband and wife?”
Which is why I finally decided it was pretty pointless to remain married.
It will cost $845 to have the application processed. We don’t even have to appear in court. It will just happen.
Oh, god, I can’t believe it. Just typing those words made me cry again.
Divorce sucks, even when it happens electronically.
Except it didn’t happen. I left the papers on the passenger seat of his car – I still have a key – and then spent the next three months asking him to sign them.
I got shirty and decided it was HIS TURN to go through the palaver and make it happen.
I make wisecracks about it every now and then. He never takes the bait. He just changes the subject. It’s not because he wants me back, he’s just … I dunno … lazy or something.
And now it’s 2019 and I’m done. I don’t want to be his wife anymore. I want a freaking divorce.
So, I will have to fill out all that paperwork AGAIN.
Wish me luck getting it signed this time.
Song of the day: Lenny Kravitz “It ain’t over til it’s over”