Warning: this blog post may offend the prudish.
When I removed my emotional hurricane shutters after the marriage-break-up-career-debarcle tornado swept through my life, it had an unexpectedly X-rated effect on my social life.
People started telling me their sex confessions.
I was innocently sipping chardy in a bar and someone announced she’d been in a sexless marriage for 12 years.
I was in a public bathroom and a complete stranger informed me she was partying after breaking up with their husband … who hadn’t slept with her for four years. She asked if I thought it was because he was shagging someone else.
At a girls’ night out, someone noted they thought they didn’t like sex … until they broke up with their husband and discovered an app for no-strings hook ups called Blendr and realised they just didn’t like having sex with their husband.
A woman reminisced over lunch about the time she was relocating overseas and took all her sex toys to the dump. When she got the box out of the boot, the bottom fell out and dildos rolled in all directions as her fellow dumpers gawped …
My latest confessional moment involves a friend whose husband died three years ago.
(She jokes that DD was the last person to kiss her husband, since he tried to resuscitate him … my friend has a wicked sense of humour and is a VERY strong woman, she awes me.)
We were talking about dating websites and wondering why men think women want to be sent dick pics. Women do not want to be sent dick pics. Well, I’m pretty sure they don’t. Please correct me if you’re a woman who does.
Anyways, my friend was on a girls’ getaway a few years prior to her husband’s death with a well-endowed Scandinavian woman. So she decided to play a joke on her husband, by dressing her friend in her signature cossie, then sending him a faceless cleavage shot.
For some reason she sent it on someone else’s phone.
Her husband responded by sending back a dick pic … which came as quite a shock to the someone else. Especially since he’d chosen to send an … excited … dick pic.
(It is a measure of my naivety in such matters – having never received a dick pic – that I didn’t realise it’s their usual state when sent. Oh! But of course!)
My friend checked the photo and confirmed it was indeed her hubby’s willy, as she recognised the kitchen floor.
(We were briefly side-tracked from her startling revelation by an animated discussion of what on earth he was doing sending dick pics from the kitchen.)
Much laughter ensued among her fellow travellers and she promptly forgot about it … until many months later when she discovered a packet of photos in a drawer – her husband had printed multiple copies of his dick pic in colour, black & white, sepia …
It’s not entirely clear to me why her husband had so artfully and extravagantly printed the pics … perhaps because I was distracted by giggling so much.
A few months after her husband passed away, she was clearing out his stuff and came across the packet of photos. She sat staring at them, wondering what to do.
Now there’s a dilemma you don’t face very often … what to do with your dead husband’s dick pics?
She decided to throw them in the garbage, then fished them back out again. She couldn’t bring herself to bin them. It didn’t seem quite right. So they went back in the drawer.
But she kept worrying her kids might find them.
Sooooooo … some friends offered to hold a ceremonial burning of the pics, followed by a sprinkling of their ashes in the garden. Sort of like a fertility rite for the snapdragons, may they bloom strong and pink in the spring.
Just as she was about to light the match to burn the envelope, someone requested a final reveal. So my friend held up one of the pics and everyone screeched and clapped their hands over their mouths, with one noting that it looked like the Byron Bay Lighthouse …
She reckons out of all the tributes, eulogies, tears and loving words that have been said about her “wonderful man”, he would have appreciated the lighthouse comment most.
My laughter has faded since that night. I just want to give my friend a big hug.
Song of the day: Peter Gabriel “Sledgehammer”