And then this happened, and this …

bridget-jones-diary

I’ve been overthinking again. Worrying about the way HouseGoesHome has transformed into a daily digital diary of my life.

You know what I mean … lots of I did this and this yesterday, blah, blah, blah.

It wasn’t always that way.

On January 6, 2012, I wrote a blog called Murder, Medicine and Motherhood about my school friend Kathleen Folbigg, who is serving 26 years in prison for the murder of her four children. It noted …

Kathy stays strong. Kathy believes in her innocence. Kathy has bunkered down to serve her time with as little drama as possible. When I leave, I shudder and think: “Imagine losing four kids to cot death, being found guilty of their murder and going to prison.” It’s the stuff of nightmares. People are wrongly convicted all the time … Even if you believe Kathy is guilty, does she really belong in jail? No sane mother would do the things she’s supposed to have done. No insane mother ever gets the psychiatrict help they so desperately need behind bars. But I’m convinced there’s reasonable doubt in Kathy’s case. You don’t throw away the key when there’s reasonable doubt. She should get that re-trial …

On January 6, 2013, I blogged a recipe for Lamb Koftas with Fattoush. There used to be heaps more recipes on the blog. I was obsessed with cooking when I was married, not so much these days. My ex has taken up those reins. He bought himself a mortar and pestle and everything. I, on the other hand, eat lots of leftovers and handfuls of nuts.

On January 6, 2014, I blogged a Hollywood gossip column that included Alyssa Milano being fat shamed. There wasn’t much “me” in the blogs around that time because my marriage was swirling down the separation plughole. My ex was deeply resentful of me working from home during my office shutdown and very scathing about the content I was producing. So I submerged myself in Hollywood blather and marvelled at the polar vortex (remember it?) rather than facing what was happening in my life or head.

On January 6, 2015, I was contemplating my mortality as friend lay clinging to life on an emergency operating table. I called that one Worrying Less and Laughing More.

Luckily my friend pulled through.

And I laughed more.

These days, I blather about my latest adventures with DD. I post pretty pictures. Every now and then I plough the field of my post-marital discontent, but I find it hard to muster the required angst. When I do get upset about something that’s gone awry – as I did in a blog called Screaming Into A Pillow last week – some people get cross and suggest it’s time to move on.

One wrote on Facebook: “We have all suffered defeats and tragedies and rely on our friends and loved ones to pull us through, but that is not fair in the long run as they too are dealing with their sh*t and sometimes they can’t take any more, especially if they keep hearing the same complaints.”

I’ve reached my two-year time limit on grief (and bitching).

So where does HouseGoesHome go from here?

Are my latest adventures and pretty pictures enough? Does it need to be something more? Do I need to be deep and meaningful to satisfy my followers?

These are the over-thinker’s questions that are being tossed around in my brain.

For a while I thought the blog might become about how to survive a marriage break-up and co-parent in a way that protects your kids from as much emotional harm as possible.

I suppose it’s still occasionally about that. But I’m aware that my kids are becoming more social media savvy. I know the eldest likes to keep a low profile and I’ve started asking the youngest if she minds me writing about certain events in her life.

Hmmmmm ….

For now I’ll just keep ambling along, sharing my fluff and nonsense.

I do love it – it’s like having a chat with friends every morning. But it can be a bit one-sided. I always feel at a disadvantage when I catch up with blog followers in the flesh. They know so much about my life and I know so little about theirs.

So please do share your highs and lows with me in the comments when the mood takes you. I love hearing your fluff, nonsense (and important stuff) too.

Song of the day: Split Enz “Stuff and Nonsense”

 

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15 thoughts on “And then this happened, and this …

  1. Thanks Alana. I guess I read your blog for many reasons (if this helps at all) – in no particular order – I like the way you write, I like your sense of humour, I appreciate your bare honesty about the things in life that derail you and those that lift you. I relate to many of your inner thoughts and then not to others but can certainly appreciate them. I am not one for Hollywood gossip so your blog keeps me in touch enough that I can converse with the mums in the school yard (thank you!). I would love for you to keep writing from the heart.. whatever that may be. And some insight into my highs and lows. Currently on a high as we are having a family holiday in the USA and are skiing Utah. It is sensational! The low side, I got some funny rash that no one can seem to do anything about. Doh!

      • We are just outside Salt Lake City at a resort called Solitude. I can highly recommend it. And as you say – amazing powder snow. I have never skied so well. Really friendly and family oriented too. There is also outdoor hot tubs and s’mores (not together…). R 🙂

  2. I have had similar misgivings about my blog Alana but it really all comes down to ‘write what you want on the day’. You can’t please everyone all the time. I don’t read recipes or celebrity stuff but that’s just me. Some people love that sort of thing. I came to the conclusion that I should just write from the heart about whatever tickles my fancy. I also decided only to write a post if I have something to blather about and not to force it. Personally, I enjoy reading your stories and the quirky way you write about them. You’re the only one who can tell stories about your own life so at least it’s original.

    • I think it’s a good technique to only write when you have something that tickles your fancy. Somehow I’m in this habit of every day and I can’t seem to get out of it.

  3. I like your style, writing and honesty. I particularly like how you are “real” as opposed to Facebook ” my life is better than yours ” style.
    When you talk about your feelings, challenges and bright moments, I can relate to many things. It shows the ups and downs. You don’t have to hide the negative emotion just because some people aren’t comfortable. They don’t have to read it.
    You give me hope that maybe my life might get better one day and that I too can do this. I just take each day at a time.
    I’d love some advice on how to build the confidence to start dating at 40, and the best way to do it, as DD and you seem to be having a great time.

    Finally, It’s your blog, you can write about whatever you like.
    Thank you for your blog, it had helped me a great deal.

    • Hi Liz, I know you can do it too. I was soooooo messed up for soooooo many years. I truly couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. DD and I are having a wonderful time, but it’s not without its challenges. I’ve had to learn to let a lot of things go. Do you live in Sydney? We should have a drink sometime.

      • That would be lovely, however I am in Brisbane. If you’re ever up this way, let me know.
        I have learnt what’s really important and let the little things go these days too.

  4. I forgot to say, I love leftovers, especially from the freezer already cooked. When I don’t have the kids I frequently eat the same break fast, lunch and dinner three days in a row, and am perfectly happy to do this. Quiche, curry and rice, stew and Spag bol all work well. All with Protein and veges and ready to go in 2 minutes.

    Yoghurt can also be a complete meal.

  5. Hey there

    I am another one who loves reading your blog. I also write my own story, sometimes it is really tough to write on there because on the one hand I don’t want to censor myself and just how shithouse a mental illness can be. On the other of course my eldest is 14 so is very tech savvy, my 10yo twins got iPads for school so they will also locate my writing. I know my son reads my babble so sometimes I self censor because I am not sure he needs to know just how crazy mum is … he lives with it that I think is enough!

    The flip side for my and my writing is that when I possibly do write something light (which has been not often!) then all of a sudden I will get messages from my family and friends saying how happy they are I am doing better. Um no not really I just didn’t feel like bearing my soul to you today. However, like Michelle says only you can write your story.

    Oh and just quietly I didn’t know that there was a time limit on grief, whoops I totally missed that memo. I think grief changes and whilst you might be quite happy with DD, that doesn’t change the fact that this was not really ever your plan for your life and you know what it is perfectly ok to be upset or even angry about that even now and then and grieve for what you had and how your life changed. And just between you and me anyone who says they are over hearing about your sadness or complaints then really I am not sure they are the good friend they profess to be. Good friends will listen to the same thing over and over, that isn’t to say they won’t get frustrated with you and quite possibly get to a point where they might bluntly suggest ways in which you might change the situation (or your reaction) but a good friend is there regardless.

    Often I may not write a blog per say but I would think that rarely a day (if not an hr lol) goes by without me rambling about something or rather on my page. In my current recovery FB is actually invaluable for me to understand my life and what is going on right now.

    Big hugs
    Cathy xoxo

    • I know what you mean about not feeling like bearing your soul some days and putting on a “happy” face. And I agree with you about opening up helping you to understand.

  6. I think your blog should be whatever you want it to be. I really enjoy reading it. I think it’s good to be in the habit of writing every day. I seem to have invisible brakes on my writing. I admire your open-ness and authenticity. And as I’ve said before, thank goodness for blogs in general, and blogs like yours in particular, because people can then connect to others who may be going through similar things and feel there’s someone out there who understands. My blog is going to change again, once I’m settled in Canberra. At the moment I’m surrounded by moving boxes – still packing and decluttering as I go – such a nightmare!

  7. Your blog is your space to do with it what you will. Those who don’t like it can find someone else to read. It’s been spooky at times reading your blog your journey through divorce grief has had similarities to my journey through death grief. Had to laugh though a few nights before you posted this i was laying awake in bed during one of my many sleepless nights missing my own blog which fell by the wayside when i went back to fulltime work and i thought “Alana blogs about what’s happened each day like a sort of digital diary, maybe that’s what i could do” so you inspired me to get back to blogging. Thank you.

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