As I tried to take a selfie yesterday morning – don’t ask – between making Vegemite sandwiches and quartering oranges for the kids’ lunch boxes, I was reminded of a quote by Martin Amis …
As the 50th birthday approaches, you get the sense that your life is thinning out, and will continue to thin out, until it thins out into nothing. And you sometimes say to yourself: That went a bit quick. That went a bit quick. In certain moods, you may want to put it rather more forcefully. As in: OY!! THAT went a BIT FUCKING QUICK!!!… Then fifty comes and goes, and fifty-one, and fifty-two. And life thickens out again. Because there is now an enormous and unsuspected presence within your being, like an undiscovered continent. This is the past.
It’s a weird time for me, because I feel so oooooooooold – especially when I reverse my iphone camera and try to take selfies, my god I look rough – but at the same time it’s like I’m young again.
I’m wading into a brave new world: buying a house on my own; gazing in terror at my RSVP mailbox; finding my way in a new job.
It’s exciting. It’s scary.
I met an old friend for a drink last night. We hadn’t seen each other since pre-kids.
It was weird, rewinding through the decades, searching for common ground.
My friend looked pretty much the same, damn them. Just a few more laughter lines.
Those years and wrinkles have crept up on me. On the inside, I still feel like I’m 30.
But I’m not, suddenly I’m middle-aged.
When I had to decide what age bracket of potential boyfriends to request on RSVP … I really felt it. I went for 45-55. I know plenty of hot 50-year-olds, so I’m not totally freaked out. But still, 50-year-olds are like … y our dad. When you were 30, 50 seemed sooooooo old. And now it’s just a few years away. So close you can almost reach out and touch it.
It makes you wonder if your best years are behind you. You desperately hope they’re not. You want to believe there’s still magic in store.
At the same time, it’s kinda awesome to be 46 and evolving, becoming someone you like more than you did before.
It doesn’t stop the doubts when the weariness sets in at the end of the day … those how come such bad stuff has happened to me if I’m so great fears.
But the overriding emotion I’m feeling right now is joy.
Yep, brave new world.
Song of the day: Seal “Crazy”