Husband stripped to his jocks and socks in our living room yesterday. Then things got kinda … awkward.
Not because – like a friend warned me last week – “He might even be thinking ‘hey, maybe I get ex-sex’.” That’s a loooooooong way from his mind.
I’d asked him to paint a wall prior to our first open house and he’d forgotten to bring old clothes. So he did it semi-naked, while I watched.
The awkward bit was me taking advantage of his trapped circumstances to discuss that job overseas. (Oddly enough having my estranged husband semi-naked in my living room wasn’t awkward at all. Weird-ish. But I’ve seen him every day in his Calvins for the last 23 years, so no biggie.)
The conversation veered perilously close to ugly a few times, but we both kept edging away from the abyss. And ended up resolving nothing.
He’s adamant that he doesn’t want his kids leaving the country (and him). Understandably. But what if I’m missing out on the most amazing chance to reboot my life. It’s been all about him and what he wants for so long. When does it become about me? It feels like never.
People have been urging me to consider the job, saying what a great opportunity for “the kids to get a worldly experience”; that “help can be bought”; that “Tim Rogers’ nasty split from his wife resulted in her and their daughter living (with a new guy) in NYC, while he works mostly as a landscaper in Melbourne, he has to schedule and work to get there, but it’s something he does”; that “life is NOT a dress rehearsal my dear so grab the girls and take what comes with both hands if it suits and makes you happy”.
But the reality is … there are no real winners either way … whatever I choose …
Other than the wall. The wall look great.
When it was finished, Husband got dressed and left. And I cried. For like the millionth time. Because I wanted him to say he’d come with us. Stupidly. He didn’t, of course. And the reason why … well, that’s about as close to evisceration as you can get without a knife being involved.
Song of the day: Finn Brothers “How will you go?”