I’m a bit obsessive … about everything … but particularly about trying to be a good person. It tortures me when I think I’ve fallen down in that regard.
And I’m pretty sure I’ve failed over the past few days.
Surged of white hot rage keep blasting out of me. I’m usually much better at covering up my anger and frustration, but I reckon anyone who has encountered me recently has sensed my simmering fury.
I’m surly and spikey and sour and every other negative “s” word you can imagine.
There’s a lot going on in my life that’s not making it into the blog, which sounds like I’m being a big tease, but its really just me being sensible about not crossing lines while also trying to explain why I’m in a bit of a state.
It’s difficult as a writer to know when to drawn that line.
For example, one of my former Mamamia colleagues – Jo Abi – has been viciously slammed for writing about her teen son’s mental health issues. She’s been called the most horrible names and accused of “throwing her children under the bus for $$$$”.
I shy away from talking about a lot of the tough stuff these days. In a way I think that’s a pity, because if no one talks about the tough stuff, we all feel alone. But I hate the impact it has on those around me when I overshare.
Anyways, I’ve been a bit on edge.
Poor DD and everyone else.
I was such a thundercloud at a skipping club meeting I attended on Sunday. At one point, someone suggested I sort out an Active Kidz code for the club. I almost started yelling at everyone: “Noooooo! I can’t do that. I work full time! I’m a single mum! I’m exhausted. I’m stressed! Nooooo!”
Instead I said sorting out their social media was enough to keep me VERY busy and started frenetically scoffing down the Mentos bowl in the middle of the table to stop myself from crying or screaming or both.
Speaking of which, I’d love you to follow The Northbridge Knockouts on Facebook …
I haven’t been quite my cheery self at work either. I am particularly mortified by that – workmates really don’t deserve to be bludgeoned by your mood swings.
And I’ve been ultra antsy with DD. Fortunately DD is very patient and soothing. Everything feels much better with his arms wrapped around me.
Though he did KICK ME – on the butt – at Bunnings on the weekend for making a snarky remark as we got off the escalator. The young thing that stands at the entrance giving out information was very amused.
I did lots of outraged squeaking about domestic violence!
I felt a bit calmer yesterday, which was a relief. Though the whole single parental roundabout started spinning again last night as I collected the youngest from skipping and the eldest from art class and raced them home for home baked fish and chips for dinner.
One of my nice followers – Maryanne – wrote a comment on yesterday’s blog said: “Love your blog and marvel at how you do what you do … job, children etc.”
The truth is I don’t do it very well a lot of the time. It can be quite the shambolic mess … much like my weed jungle of a backyard.
There are many days where I feel like my life is held together with chewing gum and string.
The past few days have been one of those times.
But the only way out is through.
Song of the day: Alanis Morissette “You oughta know”