What does he want from me?

Tinder scares me. All that talk of swiping left or right and men only being on there for one thing and sending dick pics to prove it.

I never thought I’d have to worry about that sort of thing on Instagram. It seemed so nice and innocuous and unrelated to dating.

Don’t worry, I haven’t been sent dick pics on Instagram. Well, not yet. Although I’ve been startled by a few things that have slipped through the nudity filters when I search #mixology for my work Instagram. Some Eastern European bloke had lots of fun posting porn for a while, it was a bit startling to be looking at Old Fashioneds one minute and graphic threesomes the next. I reported him a few times and my feed has been refreshingly dick free for months.

But I am getting lots of men following me. How exciting … except I don’t think they are real. Well, they’re about as real as the Nigerian princes who need your help to get their inheritances out of the country.

The latest one was @bestdoctor117. Maybe if he’d been @bestdoctor1 …

He reckons his real name is Michael Howard and he’s posted a single shot of himself on his page. He has one follower but he’s following 44 people including me. So I’m presuming his fishing is in its early stages.

Michael wants permission to send me a message. I’m sure he does!

Somehow I don’t think Michael is legit. I don’t know what his scam is, but I’m guessing it’s pretty similar to the one being run by @anthonyf0012017 and @eric.manning2018 and @scott_owen437 and @markb1101 … all of whom have followed me recently and don’t seem to have genuine accounts.

Maybe they’re lonely men, looking for love, but I dunno – you’d think if they were genuine, they’d have checked my feed and realised I have a boyfriend.

Speaking of Tinder, I was reminded how glad I am not to be swiping left or right after reading a story from Shani Silver on HuffPost Personal about why she’s given up on online dating.

Shani says: “Yes, I am aware that you have a co-worker whose best friend met her husband on Tinder, like, two days after she broke up with her boyfriend of five years. We’re all very happy for Jessica.

“But in 10 years (that’s 3,650 days, kids), all that I’ve ever done is swipe through faces, go on bad dates or go on good dates that have led to literally nothing at all. The third option is rare enough to count with the fingers you have available while holding a Starbucks.

“And now, 10 years into being single, I do not have any interest in playing the game. And I don’t think it’s just me. I think I’m witnessing the decline of online dating to the point of its inevitable demise.

“The illogical nature of online dating has always perplexed me. It took the far-fetched notion of love at first sight and made it something you were supposed to be able to find with your thumb.

“The notion of “matching” with someone is the most cursory exploration of compatibility imaginable, and it’s only gotten more superficial over time. There is nothing, and has never been anything, about online dating that actually connected two people.”

That sounds not fun.

Unlike Shani, I did find love online. And so did my sister! But it seems we’re the minority. And @bestdoctor117 … and his imaginary mates … and whatever they want … are reminder of how lucky I was to find DD in that jungle.

Now, please rack off, you’re ruining Insta for me.

Are strange blokes following you on Instagram? What do you think they want?

PS That’s not Michael in the main pic, it’s Tyler, 20. A fella who was looking for … love … on Tinder a few years back.

Song of the day: Fleetwood Mac “Tell me lies”


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