Parking tickets and the ageing vagina

I’ve possibly built this one up a little too much. But here goes …

I can’t take credit for today’s blog heading, DD came up with it.

He’s very good with words for a scientist.

Although possibly it should read “Parking tickets and the ageing vulva.”

Erk.

I don’t know why the word “vulva” makes me go “erk.” It must be the prude in me. It’s so … visceral.

Vagina is less confronting for some reason. But they’re not the same thing. One is inside, one is outside.

Aren’t I good at digressing?

Why did DD come up with the heading “Parking tickets and the ageing vagina”?????

Well, I sent him a garbled text message the other day expressing my panic that I was going to get a parking ticket because I’d been so engrossed in writing about my ageing vagina.

Dating me is never dull.

Let me explain the parking ticket bit (before I move on to the pink bit/s): on the days when I pick the kids up from school I drive to work and park in one of the rare but highly sought-after two-hour parking spots near the office. Then I do anxious circuits of the suburb at lunch time when my time is up and it’s time to find another one. I used to just check for chalk on the tyres, but those damn parking inspectors got wise and started taking photographs of cars who were outstaying their welcomes instead.

The result: two tickets in two days. Ouch.

And yep, another one this week. Double ouch.

I’m also a bit lairy of more fines because I just paid $425 – and lost 3 points – for turning left on a red arrow on January 17. I drew a total blank on the incident intially, but I’ve finally realised it occurred when I was driving my ex and the kids to dinner at our favourite Indian buffet one Sunday night.

Isn’t that an awesome reward for positive co-parenting … a massive fine.

I must ask my ex if HE remembers me breaking the law, because I bloody don’t.

Fume, fume.

I’ve digressed again, haven’t I? You don’t care about my fines, you just want to know about my ageing vagina.

Actually, you don’t. But it’s a more titillating subject than fines.

Well, I read a story last week about how vaginas age. Hint: it’s not pretty.

Staring down the barrel of turning 50 in two years meant I was FASCINATED.

So I  forwarded it to the lifestyle editor of Kidspot as a possible story idea.

She replied that she thought it was an awesome … and would I like to write a version for her?

Ummmmm … well … not really, but … since I’m not very good at saying no …OK, yes.

Then I dug myself in deeper by asking if she fancied me writing it from the perspective of a 47-year-old woman realising she was ageing down-there after getting her first Brazilian.

She LOVED the idea.

So I wrote it and it was published on the Kidspot website yesterday. (I’m issuing the mother of all warnings: its VERY TMI. I can’t even bring myself to click on it, so you shouldn’t feel any obligation, although the social media editor did note: “I just spat out my water with laughter over your Brazilian post.”)

If you get a sense of deju vu it’s because you may have read the first bit of the story before – I plagarised one of my old blog posts to kick it off.

And there you have it … parking tickets and the ageing vagina … what better way to start the day?

Song of the day: Men at Work “Down under”

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10 thoughts on “Parking tickets and the ageing vagina

    • Isn’t it funny the words that bother you? I also recoil at “cunnilingus.” Sometimes I think the female ones have been deliberately named blerky things.

  1. So funny! I once worked in pyrmont and got so many parking fines I could have bought the spot!! Anyway my car for insurance reasons was registered in Dads name. Turns out I’d significantly missed paying for one of the fines – late one Friday afternoon Dad opened the mail to discover his licence had been cancelled due to fine non payment! Mum & Dad owned a newsagency back them and were organising a family friend’s wedding the next day. Dad was so angry he didn’t speak AND he had a driver for the weekend. This was back in the day when the RTA wasn’t open on weekends and pre-Internet lol. This is the story of our family folklore, Dad even mentioned it in my wedding speech.

    • I walked up to the car yesterday to see a ticket on the windscreen and the parking inspector walking off. I chatted him up and it turns out it was just a warning – I didn’t realise you can’t move the car to another spot in the same block in the same day.

  2. Great Kidspot article, Alana. Use of humour to ease us into some really interesting facts and information. Repurposing the blog post was a great idea.

  3. haha Far out, men can have the last laugh. We finally get over period pain, cleaning up our vulva during our period, pregnancies, childbirth, sore nipples etc. We think happily we are into menopause, but no, extreme over heating, funny looking vulvas. Sorry, I should have warned you to not have a Brazilian. Once you hit menopause, you lose so much hair down there, you start to have clear view of your vulva. No need for a Brazilian. Must pass all this onto some younger friends, including daughters There has been much talk and laughing, about Brazilians betaken by some of the group, stories that you would have loved. Of course the wine helped in our Brazilian confessions.

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