I joined RSVP a year ago … it was a Friday night … I’d had a few wines … it seemed like a good idea.
But I didn’t like it AT ALL.
As I noted in a blog post called RSVP for Beginners …
“All the women in the 45-55 age group seem dauntingly gorgeous, but the men … don’t. Well, some are good looking, but they’re invariably interested in water sports. Being interested in water sports immediately rules them out, since I can’t swim and, if you remember, once got a bunch of flowers from a bloke with the message “for a Pisces who doesn’t like water, some flowers to put in it” or something to that effect (I found the actual card when I was moving recently and saw the actual bloke at a 50th birthday a few weeks ago after about 15 years, but didn’t say hello … coward … blather, blather, get on with it Alana)
“Not that hawt looks are important to me, but there has to be something about their face that appeals and it’s preferable that one of their profile pics doesn’t feature them pretending to lick a penis cake (I swear, one of them was).”
I got excited when a REALLY HOT 40-year-old sent me a “kiss” … until I read his profile.
Here’s what he said: “Am here looking for the right woman the will accept me for who I am and not for what I have, a very nice, honest, caring, understanding … ” he sounds lovely so far, I know, until he adds … “submissive that will love me till the rest of my life.”
Fark that for a joke.
Actually, there were loads of dodgy profiles, where men described themselves in the most appalling ways …
“Naughty but nice.”
“Hey .. !!! Do you think you can keep up? Maybe !!”
“Bond …. James Bond.”
“Throw me a line and I’ll tow you to paradise.”
“You have to be pretty special…”
“Looking for some yummy brown chocolate? Zero calories guaranteed!”
“Wishing you enthusiastic confibularities just for reading my profile..”
“I always thought that this was cheating, but hey, I’ll give anything a go, got to be in it to win it !”
“You can feel the the pain and torture i have been through when you look deep into my eyes..”
Really, they did.
A week into the awful exercise, I had quite a few questions …
Is it wrong to reject “kisses” from men who can’t spell?
Is it wrong to reject “kisses” from men who don’t drink?
Is it wrong to reject “kisses” from men who appear to be (actual) Rod Stewart impersonators on the RSL circuit?
Why is it that men who write in their profiles that they love women “but not in a creepy way” immediately appear creepy anyway.
Why would a bloke from Perth send me a “kiss” to someone who lives in Sydney?
What is it with the blokes who, when you send a polite thanks-but-no-thanks response to their “kiss”, immediately send you another one? Do they think you’re just playing hard to get or do they think persistence will wear you down? It won’t and it makes them appear slightly stalkerish rather than endearingly eager.
What is it with the bloke whose photo appeared on a profile for a widower from Woollongong in the early part of the week, but a few days later appeared on the profile of some bloke on the northern beaches of Sydney?
Why is it that all the blokes I fancy are invariably into water sports? It seems pointless to even pursue a conversation when I can’t swim.
Why are 50% of the men who “kiss” me engineers?
Why are the other 50% of them from Sutherland?
Why would I “kiss” someone called LonelySkier, Enigma4U or IWontMakeYouFat?
What makes blokes think photos that make them look like Ivan Milat’s cousin are appropriate for their profiles? Don’t they have friends to run these things past?
And then, two Friday nights later, just when I was about to give the whole thing up … DD came along. But that’s a reminiscence for another day …
Have you ever tried on-line dating? What did you think of it?
Song of the day: Human League “Don’t you want me baby?”