Everywhere I turn there’s another bloody ad for that bloody 50 Shades of Grey Movie. And it’s driving me insane.
I am deeply, irrationally pissed off about it being marketed as a Valentine’s Day movie. S&M may be a lot of things, but romantic isn’t one of them.
Not that I’m a Valentine’s Day person, but it’s the principle of the matter. It’s supposed to be a day where couples express their love for each other with flowers or chocolates or a romantic dinner … not a whipping in something called The Red Room of Pain.
OK, it hasn’t stopped me writing about the damn thing for Escape.com.au. I posted a story on Thursday called Fancy A 50 Shades of Grey-cation, which explains how you can travel the world in Christian and Anastasia’s footsteps. Blerk.
But I knew the book was huge so I figured I should try and capitalise on it.
Speaking of the book … I’ve never actually read it. I know that’s what most people say because they’re embarrassed, but I genuinely haven’t. Not because I’m too snooty … I haven’t read many books at all in the past few years – I’ve been too deeply immersed in the digital quicksand.
I thought I’d better read up on it to write my travel story … and discovered a helpful little article on The Daily Beast called 50 Shades of Grey Speed Read: 14 Naughtiest Bits.
That was quite the eye-opener, with lines like “He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder …” and “Boy … I Survived. That wasn’t so bad. I’m more stoic than I thought” and “Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness—from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.”
Somehow it didn’t make me any keener to read the book.
Vetting the trailer before I included it in my story didn’t make me feel any better.
Here it is …
I’m with Abraham Riesman at Vulture, who kicked off his article about the movie by saying: “Am I supposed to be turned on by this? We’re just days away from the cheekily timed Valentine’s Day release of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, and at this point, its publicity push is like a cold shower made of pus and gravel.”
He went on to say: “This movie’s whole raison d’etre is that it’s an adaptation of a novel about sex. Kinky, slightly forbidden sex. No one would see it for any other reason, no one would produce it for any other reason. It should be marketed in a way that makes us think it’ll be a more ambitious take on straight sex than anything else we can see in a multiplex. And yet every day, we’re inundated with more promotional images and footage that show things you could find in any number of basic-cable dramas from 1992.”
So now I’m doubly pissed off because it’s being marketed as the ultimate romantic flick for Valentine’s Day and possibly filmed as one too, when it’s actually based on a badly written book about kinky sex.
Why? On so many levels WHY?
Song of the day: George Michael “I want your sex”