My chest keeps tightening as the first anniversary of my separation approaches.
I look back at the blogs I wrote in the days between when my husband sat me down and told me – February 10 – and when he got the keys to his apartment – February 14 – and when we told the kids – February 16 – and it makes me so sad.
The one I wrote on February 16 is particularly gutting. It barely says anything, just quotes a children’s book, Guess How Much I Love You, by Sam McBratney:
“I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river,” cried Little Nutbrown Hare.
“I love you across the river and over the hills,” said Big Nutbrown Hare.
That’s very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think any more. Then he looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further than the sky.
“I love you right up to the MOON,” he said, and closed his eyes.
“Oh, that’s far,” said Big Nutbrown Hare. “That is very, very far.”
Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night.
Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, “I love you right up to the moon – AND BACK.”
I think that’s what cut me up the most – publishing that blog in the early hours of the morning knowing how much pain was going to be inflicted on those innocent little souls a few hours later.
Horrible, horrible day.
But damn they’re doing well a year down the track. They are such happy creatures. I am proud of how well we’ve helped them weather the separation storm.
And I still love them all the way to the moon and back … of course.
Life is so good it makes me giddy sometimes. I’m filled with so much joy some days, it feels like I might burst.
Sometimes I even contemplate thanking my ex for leaving and giving me this second chance at life.
But that might give him the impression he did something good. And he didn’t. So I’m keeping my lips zipped and simply enjoying my freedom.
Happiness is the best revenge.
Song of the day: Donna Summer “I feel love”