Shedding my life’s skin

There were tears in the Household yesterday and for a change they weren’t mine.

I gave the bunnies away on Sunday. The kids arrived home last night and when the reality hit, the weeping began. I’d told them they were going, their Dad had confirmed they were gone, but looking out the window and seeing the empty yard was an entirely different matter.

I felt like such a heel.

But my heart wasn’t in it anymore. Plus we’re moving to god knows where. So when a friend said her kids would love them, I didn’t hesitate. (Though I’ve told the girls my friend is just “minding” them … coward)

I hate myself a bit. Frodo loved me. You probably thinking I’m imagining it, but he was a total sweetheart – and very affectionate – when he wasn’t destroying the house … and my marriage in the process. Husband LOATHED them and they fuelled his simmering resentment towards me.

That’s part of the reason I was so emotionless about letting them go. They symbolise a very unhappy time in my life. (And I suspect were a symptom of my loneliness.)

Much like my chooks, murdered a few days before Husband decided he wanted a divorce.

Henny Penny survived, and we bought her a friend, but I can’t bring myself to care about them anymore either. The day we bought the new friend – tellingly I can’t even remember her name – Husband and I sat beside the coop together, cups of tea in hand, checking that Henny Penny didn’t attack the new pullet. Twelve hours later he sat me down on the couch and told me our marriage was over.

Even Charlie the crazy Moodle feels like a burden sometimes. His purchase was rooted in revenge and now, even when I don’t have the kids I still have the responsibility of him.

I wanted to break his little neck yesterday when I arranged new sheets and a quilt on the bed in the spare room, then walked in later to discover a large, round circle of wee in the middle of them.

Farking mongrel.

But the kids adore him, so I’m keeping my murderous impulses at bay and just swearing at him a lot.

Soon the house will be gone too.

I’m wondering if this shedding of my life’s skin is a subconscious attempt to escape the pain. I find myself wanting to get rid of everything that reminds me of the past. Start completely afresh. Cleansed.

Will that make everything better?

Song of the day: U2 “Losing you”