Fancy a shag?


If Frodo was this big, I’d be a lot more nervous when he was frisky …

My bunny wants to have sex with me. More accurately, he wants to have sex with my feet. He wants to screw my husband’s feet even harder. They must smell more desirable.

It’s quite exhausting, having this black, furry thing constantly twirling around your legs, nipping you seductively.

We both spend a lot of time saying “Ow!” and “Get off!” and “Leave me alone!”

I keep threatening to have Frodo’s balls cut off, but I don’t think he understands English. So I’ve been learning to speak Bunny instead.

Rabbit Speak reckons: “Unneutered rabbits are often significantly more aggressive, and may be less interested in conversing with you about anything but hierarchy and territoriality. Perhaps you can remember when you were irresistibly hormone driven (last weekend at the neighborhood barbecue?) and will understand. We can only hope that you didn’t mark your territory by spraying urine all over.”

Yep, that’s also what horny bunnies do. Seductive, no?

And it appears I should be showing him I am displeased with being treated like a sex object/my house becoming one big toilet by either a) cutting his balls off; or b) going right up to him, taking one step backwards and turning my back pointedly.

“Of course, if the problem behavior is something really bad, you should first shout “No” and make it stop before demonstrating that you are offended. In this case, you may end up back to back, in an insult contest. If so, try wiping your face and hair a bit (i.e. grooming yourself), to show that you’re willing to stand there forever until an apology is forthcoming. If none is given, walk away, flicking your feet backwards. Make sure the rest of your family understands what you’re doing so they don’t drag you to the psychiatrist. Warning: they might do so anyway.”

Ah, they have so many reasons to do that already, they don’t need another.

Some of my other favourite tips for speaking bunny come from Rabbit Language:

“BEHAVIOR: Male: Hopping around you in circles with tail up. VARIATIONS: Hopping in or out of your legs, possibly carrying a checkbook cover, stick or some other item, biting your feet, trying to get you to hop over him. Spraying.
WHAT IT MEANS: Courting behavior: Those are big sexy feet you have. I will have sex with them.
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Quickly sit down on your feet.”

“BEHAVIOR: Rubbing chin on things, such as houseplants, priceless armoires, Italian leather shoes. A great misconception: It does NOT mean “marking territory”—it’s a rabbit custom, like saying grace in front of a meal.
WHAT IT MEANS: “One day I will eat you.”
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Give your bunny more sticks and branches, keep your stuff off the floor, and kiss the antiques goodbye.”

“BEHAVIOR: Excessive licking that goes on forever.
WHAT IT MEANS: You are petting or scratching his back and thereby activating his licking instinct. OR, you have recently stopped petting him.
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Resume petting his head just the way he likes.”

Riiigghhht, I think I’m finally getting it. But I still reckon he’ll be losing his balls soon.

Are you pro, anti or impartial on bunny neutering? Better still, has a furry animal ever tried to shag you – those stories always make me laugh. 

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