I am my own worst enemy. My internal dialogue sucks. It tells me I’m a terrible mother, a terrible wife, a terrible friend. It taunts me for being fat, fired and 45.
I went to a party last night and met a woman who knew me by reputation. That reputation wasn’t for being a terrible mother, terrible wife, terrible friend. She didn’t see someone who was fat, fired and 45.
She admired my knowledge and experience. She urged me to follow my dreams. She assured me I’d flourish.
I stiffly nodded. I politely smiled. I edged away into the night.
To quote Pretty Woman: “The bad stuff is easier to believe.”
I read a comment on Mumabulous’ site last week. It said: “It’s funny how the older we get, the more comfortable we are in our own skin.”
I wish that was me.
Is that you?
housegoeshome 
Oh Alana. This is indeed terrible. No one looking at your life would think of you as anything other than a success. Its time to give that negative inner voice a swift kick up the bum!
Love Brenda
PS: Thanks again for mentioning Mumabulous. I really do appreciate a good rap from someone who has actually worked in publishing and knows their stuff. 😉
Brenda – I am in awe of your marketing skills. Much more useful than my publishing background in a blogger world. And you were on fire with that particular blog – look at the comments you scored. Brilliant and beautifully heart-felt.
I read your blog and admire you for the same reasons as the woman admired your reputation and I would have only possibly walked past you to class back at KHS.
Your knowledge and experience in a field that makes my blood run cold as I run from it. As for fat, fired and 45…
Fat – you CAN do something about it if you motivate yourself enough to do it. Keep off creamy sauces (or anything creamy) and cheeses for a start and you will begin to see a difference. You just have to make a start for the fat to go.
Fired – you SHOULD be damn PROUD of being fired for the reason you were. There are not many people out there who are willing to stand up for a friend when most of the rest of the world is against her. I admire you greatly for that one
45 – well even I have to admit I did panic at the though of heading into the last stretch to turning 50. But by 48 I’m actually ok with it and many of my friends who have already turned 50 say the same thing…that once they turned 47, it was like a load came off with the realisation that it’s not as bad as they thought it would be. I think that it will be no different for you either as with the rest of us oldies.
You should not be edging into the night but should be standing proud and holding your head up high. You did an amazing thing in 2012 for your friend.
The bad stuff will always be easier to remember, you just have to accept that as being a human being with feelings.
You have to keep reminding yourself of all the good things as well so you don’t forget that, it is those things, that makes you an AMAZING human being to be admired.
Thanks Miriana, I’m hoping 2013 is “my” year.
I’m not sure I’m “more comfortable in my own skin” but I think that’s more to do with circumstances. It’s difficult to feel contented and calm when things aren’t going to plan, particularly when to get back on “plan” means finding more money (or least getting up the courage to grovel to the bank manager to refinance).
I think being at home with the kids does force you to re-evaluate, I remember some of those years as being a wasteland of indecision and confusion as I attempted to work out what the bloody hell I wanted to do with my life (and what was possible with kids).
I guess once you get through it and discover what you want to do it’s then a matter of sorting out the logistics of HOW to do it that becomes the challenge.
Remember all the things you have achieved, you are not a terrible anything, you are just like the rest of us, doing the best you can. Sometimes you stuff it up, sometimes you get it right and sometimes you absolutely ROCK it.
Hang in there.
Thanks Shambles. I think you’re right. I’m still in that no-man’s-land what’s next phase. I also had the worst low-energy day yesterday due to heat and not enough sleep, so by the time it hit 11pm I was getting moochy with a glass of wine in front of the computer.
I’ve had that thought many times. As I have aged, the same things that took up so much of my thought in years past just don’t matter anymore. Not to worry about not feeling good about yourself…we all go through that from time to time.
Thx Lulu.