All I want for Christmas is … roadkill

Sprog 1 has informed me that she wants a “roadkill toy with all its guts hanging out” for Christmas.

She’s obviously recovered from her psychic distress over the book about the guy who wants a tan so badly he cooks himself in the sun.

I couldn’t believe someone would design a soft toy that looked like a squashed animal, but Sprog 1 assured me she’d seen one and it was “really cool”.

So I Googled it. And sure enough, there’s a soft-toy brand called Roadkill Toys.

Please stop reading now if you’re the sensitive, humourless type when it comes to dead animals, because this blog might upset you.

I must be a bit whacked – like my eldest daughter – because I found the website that sells Roadkill Toys pretty amusing. It has a handy Q&A section, including stuff like:

Will my grandma like Roadkill?

Well, that’s a tough question. Generally speaking, no. We did a lot of research. And we found that first impressions for the older generation, were either a heart attack, a flaring up of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or a profound disappointment in the mores of modern society. We don’t think they’ll be making the front cover of the Oldie Magazine. But having said that, the lady who made the first Roadkill teddy sample was an elderly lady from Derbyshire. She loved the idea, and we ended up having to rein her in a bit.

Despite being a bit whacked, I’m not sure I can bring myself to give Sprog 1 something so revolting. (Although I did give her a pimple last Christmas. That was fairly gross.)

But if I did go the Roadkill route, I’d probably choose Grind the bunny. Here’s his obit (courtesy of the Roadkill website):

Grind passed away on 3rd June 2007 aged 4, after being flattened by a Skandia Juggernaut on the A34 southbound. Born on 3rd August 2003, Grind was educated at Barley Buck’s Special Needs School, where he excelled at hopping and basketweaving. Grind was a dedicated and valued member of the Worcester Communist Organisation for 2 years. Grind is survived by 51 brothers, 83 sisters, 154 cousins, 211 nephews and 179 nieces (at time of press). A short service will be held at St Bartholomew’s Methodist Church, little Dorking. All inquiries to his best friend Splodge the Hedgehog, 01892 522 429.

This is how Roadkill Toys explains the materials used in Grind’s manufacture: “The blood and guts and gore are made using the latest high-tech stuffing and plush, to give it quite a realistic squidgy effect. The body and head and legs are made from specially sourced plush material, that gives them that tactile quality of mangy fur. The body is partly stuffed with beads, to give it extra dead weight. And unlike real roadkill it’s something you’ll want to take home and arrange on your bed …

“The body and legs and head are made from specially sourced Squash-plush material. It’s a really good quality Korean fur, and it gives the teddy a convincingly mangy pelt. The Gut-plush, as we like to call it, is a stretchy thin material that squidges and bulges under your fingers. If you’ve ever squidged a Japanese Barbapapa plush toy, then you’ll know what we mean. A bushy tail sticks up above his bloody remains. It’s made of a different more cutesy plush material. And the claws that protrude from his grasping front paws are made of felt.

“His right eye is plastic. It bulges out all blood-shot and goggly. The left hand one is squeezed shut, so that all you can see is the plush eyelids. His nose is also plastic. And all of his features are fully safety compliant.

“Streaked across his back there’s a tyre print painted on. The effect gives quite a realistic tyre residue. Flip him over and on his underbelly there’s an embroidered red blood splat. In the middle of this blood splat, there are a couple of embroidered organs. From what we know about Rabbit anatomy, it looks like a spleen and a kidney. Move on up to the underside of his face, and you find an embroidered gaping mouth, fixed in a grim rictus.”

All for the bargain price of 25 quid.

My giddy aunt. What will they think of next?

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