All around me, friends and neighbours are getting work done. They’re hell-bent on makeovers and they’ll do whatever it takes to have one. I admire their determination. But I’ve decided I’m past it. I’ve been compiling mental lists of all the things I’m too old to do. (Do I know how to show myself a good time or what?) So far I’ve decided … my saggy face is past injectables, my spider vein collection doesn’t lend itself to mini skirts, and I’ve lost the energy for home renovation. A school mum is launching the mother of all building projects. She, her husband, their three kids and the dog will live on-site in four rooms. Their bathroom will be in a shipping container on the front lawn. In the middle of winter. No can do. Sprog 2’s best friend’s parents have been renovating forever and using a camp shower in the backyard for their daily ablutions. No can do. I used to be a champion renovator. Not actually wielding a hammer myself, but directing my builder buddy Stretch to do stuff for me. Stretch and I go way back. Our first project was a house in Petersham in the ’90s. It was on a busy road, opposite a petrol station and a chocolate factory (sounds delish in theory, but when you buy a box of choccies, serve them at a dinner party and weevils start crawling across the tablecloth and guests start retching, the gloss comes off a bit). Plus, there was a bikie clubhouse over the back fence. And I was wondering why the place was so cheap … Anyway, I commissioned Stretch to rip the back off the house, move the toilet indoors and update the kitchen and bathroom. It was a bit chilly not having a back on the house in June. And quite miserable having gastroenteritis and no bathroom but lots of tradies who fancied a chat while I lay groaning on the dusty sofa. Stretch and I have been through a lot together over the years. Ah, the load-bearing walls I’ve made him remove … good times … But I’m not sure we’ll be working together again, unless I discover another termite nest has destroyed my floorboards (note to real estate agents and future buyers, it wasn’t my current abode). If I win the lottery and decide to move (I actually have a ticket this time), I want a house where someone else has done all the hard work. Something renovated within an inch of its life by some other poor bastard. A hardy soul who doesn’t mind spending a winter weeing in the middle of the night in a shipping container on their front lawn. Cause that ain’t me. I’m over it.
TELL ME YOUR RENOVATION NIGHTMARE SO WE CAN COMPARE NOTES AND ONE-UP EACH OTHER WITH DISASTER STORIES …
housegoeshome 
Good for you – Let it be someone else’s turn 🙂 Your gastroenteritis story is my ultimate renovation nightmare!
Some of my fown most memorable reno moments were:
– Literally having the roof flip over on my first flat one a very windy night. So lucky it didn’t rain because I’d been too slack to organise home contents insurance!
– Temporarily having toilet relocated into the living room (via a long pipe, onto carpet). We could number 1 in this toilet but had to number 2 into a plastic bag. Yes! It can be done!
And most comical: Having brand new $600 security door fall off old door frame as I locked up. Had to put it under my arm, carry it inside and lock up our old crappy door.
Nope, can’t beat pooping in a plastic bag.
Haha! It’s not a story I thought I’d ever tell but your blog feels like a private room where you can safely reveal all your most embarassing secrets.
I’m touched.
“All the load bearing walls I’ve made him remove. Good times…” You crack me up!!!
I thought I was doing it rough being forced to stay at the in-laws when the renovating got rough… I am ever so grateful that I haven’t been without walls in June or had to poop in a plastic bag ( like Michele)!
Unlike you, Alana, I’m still masochistic enough to spend hours with a paintbrush and no-gap gun. We’re doing it ‘budget style’ and I don’t mean Eastern Suburbs ‘budget style’. We’re spending approx 30 grand – all up!
Hope you don’t mind if I paste the link to my blog in case any of your commenters care to check it out?
http://rachaelsreno.wordpress.com/
Ah the gap gunning I’ve done … Great idea to put your link on. My first reno (the petersham one) was 35 grand. I got a new kitchen, new bathroom, french doors outside, a deck and new laundry. Not bad … Though it was 15 years ago, at least!