Fire crotch

How do you feel about Zoom meetings in the age of COVID?

I think it’s awesome that we’ve realised everyone doesn’t have to be in the same room to communicate effectively.

It’s going to save companies so much money in airfares when/if our borders open.

Unfortunately, I find the way I look in Zoom meetings somewhat less awesome.

My collagen has deserted me faster than the chances of Sydney getting out of lockdown on September 30.

I spend every Zoom meeting angling my face in various directions, trying to look less saggy and old, when I should be focusing on the conversation at hand.

I just pitched for a freelance communications job and the male client asked for a five-minute Zoom meeting yesterday.

Men do not realise the effort that goes into a woman joining a five-minute Zoom meeting.

I needed to shower. I needed to wear a bra. I needed to dress in something presentable. I needed to spray paint my grey roots. I needed to apply make-up.

OK, maybe I didn’t need to, but I felt compelled by societal expectations. Whereas blokes are just letting their beards grow and getting on with it.

There are days when I’m so busy that I don’t bother changing out of my gym gear and showering until lunchtime … or the lunchtime after that.

But the Zoom meeting with my potential client was set for 9.30am. Dammit. So I got up, walked the dogs and flung myself into the shower.

My normal body wash had run out, so I grabbed something called “Stimulate-me.wash”, given to me by a friend who works at a beauty website.

I poured a generous dollop into my palm and performed an APC.

Big mistake. Huge.

I spent the next five minutes dancing around in the shower, frantically rinsing my pink bits. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!

It turns out “Stimulate-me.wash” is a “stimulating and refreshing shampoo for hair and scalp” and is not meant for lady gardens.

The ingredients in Stimulate-me.wash include camphor crystals, menthol and pepper seed oil, which don’t provide the type of stimulation you want down there.

When my crotch finally cooled, I dressed in vaguely business-like attire, applied my lippie and checked my emails for my Zoom link.

It didn’t come. The potential client changed his mind about Zooming and called me instead.

There’s 5 cents worth of lippie I could have saved for another day.

Anyways, the rest of Tuesday passed in a blur of COVID safely dropping off the eldest’s vampire teeth DT major work to school; writing about the “pink tax” for a client; and cooking up a storm in the HotHouse Kitchen – pulled beef tacos, salmon & rice bake and lamb shank massaman.

Then I made the regrettable decision to groom the moodle.

(Not another crotch convo.)

My experience correcting DD’s Dumb & Dumber cut had led me to believe I was a dab hand with electric clippers.


My dog now looks like he’s been given a prison cut by The Freak.

That was my Tuesday, how was yours?

Song of the day: Chic “Le Freak”

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