What happened to her?

Things are so quiet in the Household during lockdown that I took the dogs for two walks yesterday. Excitement plus!

The youngest, despite having almost zero sewing experience, is keeping herself busy by making her own formal dress.

The eldest is like a vampire, asleep all day and up all night.

We’ve fallen into the habit of watching a nutty TV show called “Zoo” together after dinner each night. The scriptwriters have a lot to answer for – the plot has holes big enough to drive a truck through.

The thriller is based on a best-selling James Patterson novel. Animals start exhibiting strange behaviour and attacking humans. A team of attractive young people are given a jumbo jet that’s been kitted out as a laboratory (and fancy bar) and fly around searching for a cure for the pandemic.

Among the plot holes: at one point a character called Vera Savlon is introduced as holding the key to the cure and is escorted onto the plane …. and that’s the last we ever see of her.

There’s even a thread about her mysterious disappearance on Reddit – “What happened to Vera Savlon?” Nobody knows.

Anyways, we’re up to Season 3, and every episode is a bit nuttier than the last. In the latest episode we watched, one of the characters – who isn’t medically qualified – alternated between torturing someone and performing brain surgery on her boyfriend with an electric drill.

We decided to have a little break from it after that. At 9pm, the eldest decided to make a cake, then go for a jog around the block while it baked. That might sound normal, but it’s so not. The eldest never jogs.

I’ve given up trying to understand teenagers, I just smile and wave.

Other than watching whacky TV shows and the eldest sprinting off into the night, about the most entertaining thing that happened yesterday was that I wrote this story: Putin ignites Champagne war with France.

I had a lot of fun creating the main picture:

And it was a blast to research. I kicked off the story by saying: “Just when you thought 2021 couldn’t jump another shark, Vladimir Putin has signed a decree that only Russian bubbles can be called ‘Champagne’. The French stuff must be labelled as ‘sparkling wine’ if it’s exported there.”

Crazy talk.

Moët initially snarked that it was suspending exports, then got scared and said it would do whatever Mr Putin wanted.

I think we’re all going a bit loopy in these, as they keep calling them, unprecedented times.

Fortunately, the majority of us aren’t decreeing that $5 rot gut from Krasnodar is Champagne.

Perhaps that’s what those two blokes had been drinking when they “were startled by a deer” while sunbathing naked on a beach south of Sydney recently. I’m sure you’ve heard the story – they ran into the bush, became lost, needed to be rescued and got fined for breaching coronavirus restrictions.

The eldest reckons acid was the culprit.

We’ll never know. But NSW police commissioner Mick Fuller is fast becoming one of my favourite parts of the 11am COVID-19 news conferences that I’m addicted to watching every day. He told reporters it was “difficult to legislate against idiots”.

Pity, that. OK, gotta go. The dogs are barking – I’d better get up and face Groundhog Day.

Song of the day: Matchbox 20 “I’m not crazy” (I’m also sorry if they make you watch a toe fungus ad before the video – enough with the toe fungus videos on YouTube!)

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