A lingerie store called Honey Birdette sends me saucy emails each week. The latest one was entitled “Going down?” It was ostensibly referring to the prices in its current sale …
Honey Birdette is a bit naughty.
It’s also a bit expensive, so the emails it sends to me are usually not money spinners.
However, I got one about a month ago spruiking an emerald green collection called Belinda. I’ve been drawn to shiny green things for as long as I can remember, due to my birthday being on St Patrick’s Day.
So I couldn’t resist taking a look at the Belinda collection. And I liked what I saw. But it was super expensive, so I was sensible and didn’t add anything to my shopping cart.
But Honey Birdette is very clever, in addition to being very saucy – it knew I’d lingered over those green lacy treats and kept sending follow up emails, enticing me to give in to temptation.
So I gave in to temptation. I am very easily led. It’s also been a fairly desultory few months, so I decided I needed a treat (although, if I’d have known my oven door was going to explode into a million pieces I might have been more sensible).
I spent a very long time deciding whether to get the $70 g-string or the $80 briefs. Blimey that’s a lot for not very much.
I stared at the model’s bottom for ages, trying to decide which style was more flattering. I have no idea why, as my bum looks nothing like the firm, tanned ones on the website. It also felt a little weird to gaze at an almost-naked woman for so long, but there was major dosh at stake.
In the end, I went for the bra and g-string and congratulated myself on saving $10. So canny!
Buying lingerie online isn’t ideal. You really need to try it on. But I was still a bit lairy of going to the shops due to COVID-19, so I took a gamble.
The package arrived a few days later, together with a laminated mock airline safety card, featuring a rather startling interpretation of the brace position involving a leather paddle.
There were also a couple of sachets of salted caramel massage oil in the package.
I am very naive – I’ve never even watched porn. Seriously, never. So my first thought was “why would you want to lick someone’s shoulders after massaging them?”
Then I realised it wasn’t shoulders they had in mind.
As for the gamble on size … the bra makes my boobs look like they’re a pert double D. Unfortunately, it’s a little tight across my back, but that’s a small price for the enjoyment I’m getting out of gazing at my extravagant cleavage.
Honey Birdette had run out of large g-strings, so I went for a medium and hoped for the best. When I pulled it out of the package, I discovered it had two strings at the back instead of one. Strange, I thought … then …
Oh! Had I accidentally bought crotchless knickers? But, no, the two strings didn’t extend to the vajayjay region – that section had a tiny cotton gusset.
I will leave it with you to work out why there are two butt strings.
Aaaaand, with that, I’ll let you get on with your day. Move along, nothing to see here.
Song of the day: Steve Miller Band “Abracadabra”