Rash decision

I had a terrifying dream on Tuesday night. I was trapped in a house with a psychopath and he left the room for a moment, so I ran and locked myself in the bathroom to buy myself some time. I could see his feet under the door and knew I only had moments before he broke it down and got me.

The panic woke me around 12.30am. I was hot and flustered and wondered whether the dream was caused by a hot flush or flash or whatever you call it. An hour later I was still anxious and overheated, plus I was starting to itch. So I turned the light on and saw I was covered in a rash, eeeek! I popped one of the youngest’s Clarityne tablets and slowly willed myself back to sleep … while wondering if tipping a bottle of shampoo on the bathroom floor would make the psychopath slip and smash his head open on the tiles.

My body clock wasn’t interested in sleeping in and woke me before 6am as usual. I checked my skin and I was absolutely covered in red spots. My legs, my arms, my neck, my torso.

I sent DD a pic when he woke up, but he missed the rash lecture at uni and told me I should see a doctor.

I made an appointment for 10am. When the youngest emerged from her room, I accused her of poisoning me with the kale chips she baked the night before. She said she hadn’t put anything on the kale and told me to stay away from her because she didn’t want to catch anything.

Then I headed to the doctor’s surgery. My usual doctor wasn’t available. He said a cheery hello in the hallway and I admonished him: “You were too busy, so someone else has to look at my rash!”

The other doctor sat me down and noted she hadn’t seen me before. I said I’d been to her a long time ago, so she looked at her records, said “ah, yes, once for a pap smear” and gave a little sigh. She must see a lot of random vaginas belonging to patients of her male counterparts.

She told me to take my top off, agreed my rash was impressive, took my temperature, checked my blood pressure, said everything looked normal apart from my skin and …

And nothing.

She has no idea what’s wrong with me. It might be an allergic reaction, might be viral. She told me to take a Zyrtec and come back if it doesn’t go away.

That will be $70, ka-ching, thank you!

Big, fat waste of time and money.

I have lots of photos of the rash, but I won’t disturb you by posting them. I’ll stick with the Friends one.

By yesterday afternoon I looked like I was sunburnt, red and sore all over. Not much has changed this morning, but it’s slowly getting better, still a bit red, sore and itchy.

The mystery of the rash will never be solved. I wonder if it’s related to a tenderness I can feel beside my left hip bone? I’ll just go and overthink that for a while, in consultation with Dr Google.

Song of the day: Madonna “Fever”