It’s a conspiracy!

Conspiracy theories can be such a crack. Those nut jobs, for example, who think the world is flat are hilariously deluded.

I’ve decided to start one of my own: media companies are paying “influencers” to save their skins/print editions. That’s the only implausible reason I can find for people suggesting newspaper makes the perfect substitute for single-use plastic bags.

People are losing their minds about the single-use plastic bag ban at Woolies, they’re having total conniptions about how they’re going to line their waste baskets.

They need to chill because newspaper is the answer to all their prayers.

Seriously? Who the hell has newspaper?

The mind fark started with a story I saw on Australian Community Media with tips from National Plastic Bag Campaign co-founder Jon Dee to help shoppers adjust.

Dee suggested …

>> Rubbish can be put straight into bins, which should be washed every few weeks

>> Food and compostable items can go in compost bins, with recyclables into recycling bins

>> People who live in flats can wrap food and compostable items in newspaper before placing in a bin

>> Smelly rubbish like prawn shells can be wrapped in newspaper and frozen until rubbish collection night

>> Newspaper can also be used to line bathroom bins

Very practical … especially for apartment dwellers and non-newspaper readers. I actually Googled “How old is John Dee?” because I figured he had to be 80 to be suggesting such archaic madness, but he looks my age, maybe even younger.

How can a 50-year-old not have noticed that no one reads newspapers any more and all the newsagencies have closed. There’s seriously not a single newsagency within a 5km radius of my place. It’s actually a bit sad … and annoying when I want to buy a lottery ticket or top up the eldest’s Opal card.

And then someone shared a blog post on Facebook by Treading My Own Path called How to line your waste basket with newspaper.  

It even came with step-by-step pics. Apparently someone said to them “why don’t you line your rubbish bin with old newspaper?” when they fretted about the loss of single-use plastic bags and they thought “Such a simple and obvious solution! I really don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.”

The reason you didn’t think of it before because most of us DON’T HAVE old newspaper lying around. I was sure I’d get to the end of the post and it would be a joke with a “ha, ha, ha!” bit in the last sentence, but no, it was totes serious.

What the actual f?

It’s like sharing step-by-step pics on how to unwind your car windows.

I incredulously shared Jon Dee’s tips on my Facebook page yesterday and an ex-journo friend wrote “I was only laughing about that with my mum yesterday! Will the plastic bag ban save print media?”

Maybe it will …

Rat cunning plan if it does … And kinda cool, like bringing turntables back.

I prefer to stick with my own single-use plastic bag conspiracy theory … it’s a ploy to get us to BUY bin liners, which is also a rat-cunning plan. I reckon their sales will have mega spiked in the last week.

But maybe the supermarkets actually care about the environment. Even I’ve given up on plastic straws and am seriously contemplating drinking my coffee out of those reusable cups that make it taste like … eeeewww, plastic … or eeeewwww rubber lids … again.

Newspaper! What will they think of next?

Hmmm, maybe the blog post WAS a joke … better have another read and check …

Song of the day: Sports “Who Listens To The Radio?”

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