I’m the strangest mix of confident and insecure.
I’m not sure how someone manages to be both at the same time. But I do.
There’s a little voice inside me that takes constant pot shots at my self esteem, telling me I’m a failure.
Tanya Hennessy posted a video about her inner voice recently:
But then I remind myself it’s taken so much strength to come out the other side of some serious turmoil over the past 10 years.
I’m like the raccoon who determinedly scaled that 25-storey building in Minnesota earlier this week …
I just keep going …
I’ve also raised two amazing (and frustrating) kids along the way.
And I’ve achieved stuff beyond my wildest teen dreams in my career, from being editorial director of Singapore Harper’s Bazaar, to editing a weekly magazine that sold more than 500,000 copies every week.
Now I’m learning to just be.
Sure, I’d like to have more money in my bank account, but I’ve wound back on the grass-is-greener stuff.
Humans get so obsessed with whether their grass is green enough.
We’ve all started a sentence with the phrase “Won’t it be great when…” (I go to university, fall in love, have kids, etc). Similarly, older people often start sentences with this phrase “Wasn’t it great when…”.
How often do you hear someone say: “Isn’t this great, right now?”
I’m getting better at saying that. I often tell DD how lucky we are, despite the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that life sends our way.
Because there’s so much love to balance it out.
Like Frankie Goes To Hollywood once crooned: “Love is danger, love is pleasure. Love is pure – the only treasure.”
The rest is just window dressing.
I wasted so much of my life wishing the window dressing was different.
But I am at growing peace with the knowledge there are many things I will never be.
I will never sing like this 13 year old on America’s Got Talent:
I will never tweet as awesomely as whoever is in charge of the Wendy’s account.
I will never be as funny as Kitty Flanagan.
I will never turn heads like Karen Gillan
Or be as talented as my eldest kid (who despite being the most incredible artist, announced last night they would prefer to be a mechanic … might need to take better care of the knuckles for that)
“The purest grandeur. He is poetry without end.”
Imagine someone saying you were poetry without end … how beautiful!
And I will never be as rich as Malcolm Turnbull.
But I run a great news website. And I am resilient. And fierce. And fun. And loyal. And loved.
That ticks all the important boxes, don’t you think?
Song of the day: Alanis Morissette “One hand in my pocket”