It was weird reading the Facebook comments from my sister and her bestie on my blog post yesterday, following our dinner together on Tuesday night.
I’d been torturing myself for talking too much – as usual – and not listening enough – as usual – and bemoaning what I terrible dinner guest I’d been …
But they both said they’d had a great night.
The first thing my brain does when that happens or someone says something nice to me is question it.
I wish I could stop. It would be lovely to simply be pleased that everyone enjoyed themselves instead of worrying they secretly thought I was a self-absorbed loony tosser.
I try to moderate the yabbering, but it bursts out of me. Before arriving at my sister’s place I’d already loudly regaled the grandparents of one of the youngest’s skipping team members with the story of my missing table and the shitting bird.
As I was telling the story, complete with wild hand gestures and animation, I could see the wide-eyed looks on their faces, but I just couldn’t stop.
I apologised when I finished motor-mouthing and said I hoped they had a lovely dinner with their grandchildren. They assured me they’d been entertained by my story. But again: liars. I’m sure they actually think I’m a nutter.
I was so anxious afterwards about having made a bad impression that I completely forgot to take one of Team Teal to their house and drove them to my place instead.
But, it’s a “not-about-the-nail” situation …
I’m just releasing it from my busy head onto the page. I’m not looking for reassurance … or solutions, because I already know what they are. I need to calm down and stop worrying so much. If I could do that it would cut down on both the babbling and the post-explosion regret.
Knowing the solution and being able to enact it are very different things.
As Nicole Brunner writes at The Mighty:
All I ever do is worry about everything, including everyone’s opinions about me and my actions.
Sometimes, all that worrying results in me talking too much, saying the wrong things and then sitting for the next 15 hours thinking, “Why did I say that?” or “They’re going to tell everyone I’m annoying,” or “Why must I try so hard? Can’t I just shut up.”
Those questions echo in my mind almost daily. In fact, I’m lucky to make it through the day without asking at least one of the above. I wish I could just keep my mouth shut.
I start a new day saying, “I just won’t bother anyone today.
Then, I do well for a small amount of time.
Yep, I’m a member of that club.
In less angsty news, I wrote a text message to DD last night saying: “I just used your poo torch!!”
Now those are six words you never expect to type.
You see, DD gave me a torch with a dog poo bag compartment as a stocking filler for Christmas. It finally came in very handy post-Daylight Savings as I took the dogs for a walk.
Over and out from me. As you were.
Song of the day: Eurythmics “Would I lie to you?”