Looking deep inside

I’ve given myself a few full body scans recently. Not medical ones – they’ve been mental self-evaluations.

It’s been interesting to assess how I really feeling about some major stuff that’s been happening in my life.

There was a revelation from one of my kids that could have dumped me headfirst into the sand bank of life.

Instead, it calmly washed over me. I was proud of the way I felt. It wasn’t a better-appear-to-do-and-say-the-right-thing reaction, it was pure and genuine.

I’m not always so balanced. I had a far more unpleasant reaction to another revelation a few weeks ago, fortunately not involving one of my children. I got so worked up it that it took two whole days for me to register I’d acted inappropriately (and then immediately apologise). The full body scan on that one is still in progress.

Another more positive opportunity for self-examination came a few days ago. The youngest and her dad were discussing their plans for the coming week of school holidays. They’re doing some fun stuff with her dad’s de facto and her son.

I did the mental full-body-scan thing again and realised I wasn’t feeling emotional about it.

In fact, I’d helped make one of the moments happen. I’d been pondering stuff I could do with the kids to make their holidays more “memorable” and suggested the musical Kinky Boots. They told me their dad was already talking about taking them, so I sent him a link to a site that offered bargain tickets on Tuesday night (which starts at a more 11-year-old-friendly 7pm rather than the usual 8pm).

I didn’t feel resentful that the kids were going with their dad and his girlfriend instead of me. I would have loved to take them myself, but even at a discount price I’d realised I couldn’t really afford it. So I was just glad they would get to see the show even if it was with … her.

It was interesting to let it bounce around in my brain looking for a reaction and not getting much of one. I’m thinking it’s a milestone.

I’m a little pouty that my ex gets to do the whole blended family thing so smoothly, but I don’t feel emotionally tortured that kids are doing stuff with their other family. I suppose it means I’m comfortable knowing there can be more than one family for your kids in this new world that’s (unfortunately) filled with so much separation and divorce … And also feel secure that my kids’ love for me will never be diminished by it.

I’m glad my kids are happy and relaxed in all their family permutations. I would hate for them to be upset or feel conflicted about enjoying or participating in any of them.

I’m also glad that my ex and I haven’t made parenting a competition. It’s something we do as a team to ensure the wellbeing of our kids.

I hope we can keep things that way as the years go by … I figure that shouldn’t be too hard when time heals wounds and all that jazz.

Song of the day: The Triffids “Bury me deep in love”