Happiness is a slippery sucker

These past few weeks, happiness has felt like trying to catch a salmon as it leaps and darts upstream. It’s shimmering and elusive, constantly slipping out of my hands.

Worry keeps sleep at bay. I wake weary, daunted by the prospect of fishing all over again.

I feel ashamed of my struggle. I have friends battling major health issues, failing to find work, recovering from losing loved ones.

And then there are those like my brave friend Corrine, who has written about her mental health issues and how she feels she’s failed again.

It’s particularly chastening when my last blog post was a ra-ra “I’m happy 95% of the time” manifesto.

People have been so kind over the past few days – inviting me to lunch, inviting me to dinner, inviting me to their birthday party, inviting me to drinks, inviting me to cool off in their lovely pool.

I tried to banish the “resting sad face” and do my social tap dance, but there were moments when I sat at the lunch/dinner/party/drinks/pool and felt desperate exhaustion welling up inside me.

I talked to a single mum friend on Saturday about how tired we both feel. Physically, emotionally, mentally. So many bills, decisions and battles to fight on our own.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I spent decades getting all my ducks in a row.

My mortgage was getting smaller, my kids were getting bigger.

I was poised to enjoy the easier years.

Then my husband left and the ducks were shotgunned.

But I am resilient – I started putting new ducks in a row.

The past two years have been bloody wonderful – so many awesome memories made with DD. But I’ve been living like it’s the easier years and it’s not. I’m a single mum earning a third of what I once did.

And now it’s crunch time. I need to face reality and get my shit together.

Step one: file tax return. Step two: ditch rip-off mobile phone plan. Step three: get financial settlement from ex. Step four: eat less rubbish. Step five: drink less booze. Step six: pop lots of evening primrose oil. Step seven: live within means (actually, maybe that should be step one).

Meanwhile, there ARE joyous moments – like checking out my spunky boyf’s shapely calves at sunset after we’ve been for a dip in the sea …

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Now there’s a catch of the day.

Song of the day: Vance Joy “Mess is mine”

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One thought on “Happiness is a slippery sucker

  1. Happiness is a slippery little sucker! I had slipped into a pretty dark place around Christmas time and since then I have been wearing my mask of happiness because it has been school holidays and all of that! Then we went on a 12 day South Pacific cruise and frankly no-one wants to be around a depressed person so I have literally used up my happiness tank, the reserve one and the reserve, reserve one. My body and brain feel like they are shutting down so I can really empathise how slippery that sucker is! Especially when I look around and know that I have nothing to be depressed about (did I mention 12day cruise!)

    Sending lots of love as you get through this and I thought that you were about to say that you and DD aren’t seeing each other anymore but I don’t think that is the case at least I hope not!!

    Your plan sounds good though I would start with the Budget so you can live within your means then Financial Settlement, tax return, outsource the mobile phone plan to someone who has time like your teenage daughter get her to research everything for you and present it to you so all you need to do is switch! Tell her what you have and what you want, pay her $20 and you will get out of the really hard work. When you budget you will automatically cut down on booze and eat better because you have to, which will help you live within your means. Do online shopping the costs have come down significantly and you can even get free delivery on certain days if you can be around at short notice. They will send you a window of a delivery time even if you choose the 6hr window!

    big hugs xoxo

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