As if anything would run smoothly when HouseGoesHome headed off on holiday.
The dramas started the moment I woke up on the morning of my flight and discovered the dogs had “upset tummies” – they’d defiled virtually every square centimetre of the lounge room floor.
Then, two hours before the cab was due to arrive to take me to the airport, the youngest started complaining that the dogs were letting off the most disgusting farts.
As I contemplated a vet visit, I realised that despite their earlier delicate conditions, it wasn’t doggie gas the youngest was smelling.
Our sewer pipe had blocked up and was overflowing all over the back yard. Very, very stinky on a 35 degree day … Way worse than anything two-runt-of-the-litter dogs could ever produce.
Fark, fark, fark, fark, fark.
Obviously that’s why the dogs had been sick, they’d been drinking poo water.
I called DD. He was no help. Ring a plumber, he said.
Yeah, like that was going to be done and dusted within two hours.
Fark, fark, fark, fark, fark.
Then I remembered we have a practical member of the family now. Previously, I was reliant on journalists, who are only useful in reporting on dramas, not fixing them.
But my sister has cannily married a lovely former builder. So I called him.
“What do you want?” He mock moaned.
“Adrian! My sewer pipe has burst! Heeeeeeeeelp,” I wailed.
“Send me your address. I’ll sort it,” he replied. Bless him.
Needless to say I was a bit hot and bothered when I rocked up to the airport.
But before you feel too sorry for me, lets remember I was soon drinking pink champers in the Qantas first class lounge after I arrived.
That made everything feel muuuuuuuuch better. As did finding out my sewer pipe only cost $200 to repair.
Bless you again, Adrian.
As we waited for our flight to be called we made the mistake of watching the news. Woe! Trauma! After an unseasonably mild winter, Snowmageddon 2016 was on its way to the eastern states of America … where we are landing in 15 hours time.
When we touched down in Dallas, we discovered half the flights out of the city had been cancelled because of the snow storm. Eeek. Fortunately our flight to Atlanta wasn’t one of them.
The Atlanta news stations were having an absolute field day with Snowmageddon.
Don’t go outside! They warned.
Schools are all closed! They wailed.
Black ice can kill! They warned.
But we didn’t have a choice. We had a deadline and a destination to reach. Not driving wasn’t an option. So we hired a four-wheel drive and crossed our fingers.
We also freaked out and locked all the doors of the Jeep after accidentally meandering into one of Atlanta’s more dangerous neighbourhoods. It was filled with cars pulling up outside “restaurants” with “staff” running out to hand oddly small “takeaway orders” through their windows.
We bolted to the city centre for a steak at a cool place called Max Lager’s Wood Fired Grill & Brewery. After a quick bite, we arrived safely at our hotel, waking the next morning to more panicked news announcements.
Ah, it was soooooo fine. Snow storm in a tea cup.
Total over-reaction by Starbucks to close all their outlets in Georgia as a precaution. Pussies.
We enjoyed glorious blue sky and clear roads the whole way.
Meanwhile, back home, Bilbo and Charlie got the five-star treatment from my divine dogsitter, Glen.
Endless cuddles on the lounge, twice-daily walks, steak for dinner …
Glen’s Facebook updates were adorable. I’m not surprised Charlie took to his bed when I got back.
As warned, here are more happy snaps …
Song of the day: The Bangles “Hazy shade of winter”