It’s been more than 18 months since my husband walked out, yet the “divorce” word has never been mentioned.
I think we’re both too scared by the enormity of it.
Divorce is a word that should never be tossed around lightly.
It’s a horrible thing, best avoided.
But I’ve been wondering a lot lately about whether it’s time to face it.
Except I don’t want to be the one to ask. I want him to be the one who has to say it out loud.
It’s weird, but I find myself cursing him at the oddest, most random times. I muttered a few vicious slurs last night as I walked to my car.
I wasn’t angry about anything in particular, perhaps I’m a little annoyed that my children are on holidays with his girlfriend instead of me, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary.
I think the muttering was because I shouldn’t have to agonise about such big stuff as “financial settlements” and “child support” and “lawyers.”
Life wasn’t supposed to be this complicated. We were supposed to grow old together and dote on our grandchildren from our matching Jason recliners.
I’m overthinking it, like I do with everything.
For example, I’m already worrying about how we’ll handle our daughters getting married. I don’t want her there. But how can his replacement life partner not be part of such a major event?
We have the eldest’s birthday party coming up soon and it’ll just be my ex and I, no partners.
Surely that must change at some point.
The Christmas discussion has already reared its ugly head. The eldest tentatively asked if her dad could come to my family’s celebration.
But I think she already suspected that would be the answer.
My ex and I will spend Christmas morning together with the kids. Then he’s heading to work and we’re going to lunch with my family.
Next year it will be his family’s turn. I suspect it will be the replacement partner that attends that celebration, not me. It becomes about the new life, not clinging awkwardly to the old one.
I love and miss his family – they’ve been part of my life for 24 years – but the ex-wife and the girlfriend can’t both be there for the turkey carving.
There are still moments where it feels like a terrible dream.
But mostly I feel blessed to have survived and thrived after such an awful, awful thing.
I am happy and healthy and loved.
I didn’t feel any of those things 18 months ago.
Song of the day: Lynn Anderson “I never promised you a rose garden”