Why am I still married?

divorce

It’s been more than 18 months since my husband walked out, yet the “divorce” word has never been mentioned.

I think we’re both too scared by the enormity of it.

Divorce is a word that should never be tossed around lightly.

It’s a horrible thing, best avoided.

But I’ve been wondering a lot lately about whether it’s time to face it.

Except I don’t want to be the one to ask. I want him to be the one who has to say it out loud.

It’s weird, but I find myself cursing him at the oddest, most random times. I muttered a few vicious slurs last night as I walked to my car.

I wasn’t angry about anything in particular, perhaps I’m a little annoyed that my children are on holidays with his girlfriend instead of me, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary.

I think the muttering was because I shouldn’t have to agonise about such big stuff as “financial settlements” and “child support” and “lawyers.”

Life wasn’t supposed to be this complicated. We were supposed to grow old together and dote on our grandchildren from our matching Jason recliners.

I’m overthinking it, like I do with everything.

For example, I’m already worrying about how we’ll handle our daughters getting married. I don’t want her there. But how can his replacement life partner not be part of such a major event?

We have the eldest’s birthday party coming up soon and it’ll just be my ex and I, no partners.

Surely that must change at some point.

The Christmas discussion has already reared its ugly head. The eldest tentatively asked if her dad could come to my family’s celebration.

No.

But I think she already suspected that would be the answer.

My ex and I will spend Christmas morning together with the kids. Then he’s heading to work and we’re going to lunch with my family.

Next year it will be his family’s turn. I suspect it will be the replacement partner that attends that celebration, not me. It becomes about the new life, not clinging awkwardly to the old one.

I love and miss his family – they’ve been part of my life for 24 years – but the ex-wife and the girlfriend can’t both be there for the turkey carving.

There are still moments where it feels like a terrible dream.

But mostly I feel blessed to have survived and thrived after such an awful, awful thing.

I am happy and healthy and loved.

I didn’t feel any of those things 18 months ago.

Song of the day: Lynn Anderson “I never promised you a rose garden”

 

 

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17 thoughts on “Why am I still married?

    • My ex stopped reading my blog a long time ago. Someone once told him something I’d said about him that made him EXPLODE. But generally I try to write stuff I wouldn’t care if he read. As for his partner, I often wonder if reading the blog might make her feel just a tiny bit guilty about what she did. But I don’t think people like to face that sort of thing.

  1. I only know second hand how difficult family break ups can be – my brother and his first wife got divorced and there was a lot of bitterness on both sides. I didn’t like that she used my nephew in the whole issue – it was never about what was best for him it was about what was best for her, to the point that she wouldn’t let my parents see their only grandchild for months at a time. In end end we would do our family Christmas on Christmas Eve when my brother would have his son for 3 or 4 hrs. It’s so sad when this happens to a family but I give you big kudos for the relationship that you have with your ex to make the most of the situation for your children.
    Have the best day

  2. Ahhh, the “D” word!
    When I became separated from my wife it was entirely her decision so I stubbornly decided she could arrange the divorce documentation.
    From memory, I think it took EIGHT years before I finally caved and made the divorce plans myself.
    However, there was never anyone else involved in our split and she didn’t have a new partner up to, and beyond, that time and I had no plans to re-marry either, so it was not a huge concern.
    Eventually, we returned to combined family events and even new partners were welcomed at them.
    I consider our relationship to be one of the lucky ones…

  3. Bear in mind: organising the paperwork (regardless of settlements etc which sound fairly worked out already anyway) can also bring dormant stuff to the surface. If it waits a while it could become more drama in a relationship that is otherwise fairly ironed out. Old relationship hangovers – though there will always be some unavoidable ones – create unexpected shit with new partners, too, which is worth considering. Sometimes not doing something because of the past can affect your present in ways you may not see.

    Generally, my logic is that if you’ve both been in relationships since, it’s probably time, particularly if they appear to be something with legs.

    (This is aside from the joys of legal agreement financial considerations being based on time of signing, not time of settlement, which leads to a whole new headache if you have joint stuff with a new person. Especially if there’s bad blood between old partners’ new partners and you. If that makes sense.)

  4. Honestly, the divorce was the easiest part in the whole process – paperwork and nothing more. Better to finalise everything and move on, I found.

    However, Christmas remains a stressful time for us all, even though it has been 10 years now. It also gets harder when you re-partner and he has to deal with his ex-wife and her family as well as your family and your children (and your ex-husband and his partner). I am luckier than you in that the separation was not caused by a third party and that tension is not there. But I have found enormous stress within my own family who (I think) actually prefer my ex-husband over my current partner and his child.

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