You know how Bruce Willis looks pretty awesome bald … and kinda weird with hair?
I had my first Brazilian wax last week … and … well … I’m no Bruce Willis.
You’re probably wondering why I got a Brazilian prior to the coldest weekend to hit NSW in five years. A weekend so cold, in fact, that it’s been dubbed “Snowmaggedon.”
I don’t know! My beautician has this very handy on-line booking service and I was all set to book my regular brow wax, eyelash tint and bikini-line wax when I spotted the Brazilian option.
Ah, what the hell, I thought, you only live once!
Well, I was right about the “hell” part.
Afterwards, as I stood pants-less before the beautician’s mirror, I felt like crying … and not because it hurt so freaking much (I’ve placed it third on my personal agony list behind childbirth and haemorroid surgery recovery).
No, it was because I’d made a terrible, terrible mistake.
I’m quite vocal in my distaste for the bald-as-a-badger look and I’d meant to ask for a landing strip of hair to be retained.
But, during the mortification of lying on a table with my legs spread and a paper bikini wedged up my wazoo, I forgot to mention it to the beautician.
Riiiiiiip went my frontal lady garden … and my resolve to retain a modesty curtain of hair was snatched from me on a piece of wax.
My disdain for the bald-as-a-badger look was because I didn’t want to resemble a pre-pubescent girl.
I last saw my front bottom 35 years ago and – from hazy memory – it didn’t look anything like THIS.
“Ah,” a friend replied to my distraught text from the salon, “I think it probably (like most things) looked better pre-kids.”
I feel sorry for “it” – poor, pale, decrepit thing.
But let’s get back to the pain.
Having your first Brazilian wax is excruciating because your nethers are not accustomed to having their hair unceremoniously torn out by the roots.
You’re also supposed to vigorously trim first. Didn’t get the memo.
And redheads have the most sensitive skin but the coarsest and hardest-to-remove hair.
The beautician said I was welcome to scream. I told her I thought that might be bad for business. So I stuck to ladylike yelps and writhing after each brutal swipe.
It was so farking agonising it brought tears to my eyes.
The beautician assured me that after doing it once I’d be hooked.
She was wrong.
Not only did it cost an absolute bloody fortune, but she MISSED bits. When I got home and inspected my crotch, I was annoyed to find little patches of hair. Being a perfectionist who is hopeless with confrontion, I was too mortified to go back and say “you missed a bit on my left lip and my butt crack is a JUNGLE.” So I took to myself with a razor instead.
It’s a bit scary wielding a razor in such delicate areas, so I proceeded VERY carefully. It stung a bit and I started obsessively checking for blood, but fortunately I appeared to still be in one piece.
Since I will NEVER be getting another Brazilian, I started Googling alternatives to the horrifying procedure (should I ever want to revisit the novelty of hairlessness again). Redheads are a tricky breed whose hair is unsuitable for laser, while electrolysis is painful, expensive and not always permanent. The Ginger Parrot suggested buying an electric razor …. ooooh! Why had such a simple revelation never occurred to me in my previous 47 hirsute years on the earth?
That night, conversation with girlfriends turned to TMI subjects including my hairless hoo-ha, as it tends to when you invite over-sharer Alana to dinner. Despite being Dry July, things got very animated about hair removal. One friend even dropped her dacks to give a demo of where her bikini line normally extends.
Then we moved on to hairy butt cracks. Apparently you have to ASK to have your butt crack waxed. We all agreed that NO ONE would go to the trouble of getting a Brazilian and want a hairy butt crack, so why do you have to ASK?
Do the Brazilians shaking their tail feathers at Mardi Gras have hairy butt cracks? No, they do not. Well, I don’t think they do. Do they? Surely not.
After our girly discussion I became quite single-minded about sorting the hairy butt crack situation … I may have mentioned I’m a bit of a perfectionist … but there are some places a razor just can’t and shouldn’t go … and I arrived at the Remington Trim & Shape.
The Remington Trim & Shape describes its purpose very delicately. It keeps things ultra-polite and vague on the packaging: “ultimate body & bikini kit.” But it has all these little attachments, including a detail trimmer “designed for delicate and hard to reach places” and an adjustable length comb “for trimming inside the bikini line.”
It was also on special at Myer for $45. Bring. It. On.
After 24 hours of charging, it was ready to use … wet or dry.
And that’s how I found myself in the shower last night going somewhere I’ve never gone before … up my butt crack – and other unbearably itchy areas – with an electric razor.
Because, let me tell you, regrowth is a BITCH.
My tip for electric-shaver newbies: don’t get impatient and remove the plastic comb attachment from the blades to speed up the process.
Let’s just say it’s no longer a jungle down there … it’s a war zone.
Got any TMI stories of your own to share?
Song of the day: REM “Everybody Hurts”