Hi. My name is Alana House and I’m addicted to Diet Coke.
Oh, and sugar-free V.
But V is for after the gym or the supermarket or when my PMT is really bad … You know, special occasions.
Diet Coke is for everyday. Kinda like jeans versus fishnet stockings.
People who aren’t addicted to Diet Coke think it’s the brown, fizzy work of the devil. But they’re wrong. As Gigi Engle wrote in her paean to Diet Coke at Elite Daily it’s “the juice of heaven, the fluid made from the tears of angels.”
OK, Gigi may be slightly more obsessed than me. She hasn’t had water since 2007 and loves DC so much she doesn’t “want to make it taste bad by putting whiskey in it. It feels dirty and wrong.”
Now, that’s just crazy talk. There’s nothing dirty or wrong about Scotch and Diet Coke. It’s nom, nom.
And, while I hate water – as I once outlined in a post called Not Drowning, Cheering – I still try and drink it (so I don’t have to have another haemorrhoid operation … waaaaaay worse than both caesareans, let me tell you …)
But I thought of Gigi yesterday when I sat at Bodhi having vegetarian yum cha yesterday with my dear friend Lana – who is kinda like my identical twin without the A – and the restaurant only served Diet Pepsi. Shudder. Even worse, it was flat Diet Pepsi.
We drank it anyway because we’re both addicts (you can read about Lana’s addiction by clicking here) and if we can’t get our DC we must settle for the nearest-but-completely-unsatisfactory substitute (which also isn’t Coke Zero, blerk). But we pondered bringing our own Diet Coke next time because eating lovely, healthy, steamed vegetarian dumplings just isn’t the same when they’re accompanied by that Diet Pepsi filth.
Now I think about it, Gigi, Lana and I might be triplets, because Gigi does take her own Diet Coke to restaurants when she knows they only serve Diet Pepsi.
I’m going to cop a lot of grief for writing this post because people get sooooooo sanctimonious when they find out you’re a Diet Coke addict. As Gigi says: “People always seem to feel the need to tell you all of the reasons you should stop drinking Diet Coke. As if you didn’t know, and this were your choice, regardless.”
Yes, I KNOW it’s bad for me. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.
But it makes me feel better …
“Your relationship is destructive; you just can’t let it go no matter how bad it gets … You will never give it up, despite the damage it does to you. No one will understand you like Diet Coke understands you.”
Yes, Gigi. YES!
And I KNOW that scientists have proven that it makes me fat. And like Gigi says, “F*ck off, science.”
I might be a tiny bit in love with Gigi …
I thought point number 5 in her “25 Struggles Only People Addicted To Diet Coke Will Understand” was particularly hilarious …
5. Nothing will ever satisfy you the way a Diet Coke will
You say things like, “Oh, I’d definitely give up Diet Coke before oral sex!” but we all know that isn’t the case.
OK, hit me with the lecture … but just remember …
“Even when that someone is talking about how bad it is for you, you just want to go out and buy one …”
Song of the day: Iggy Pop “Lust for life”