It’s been a weird weekend. The reality of not having the kids around for most of the school holidays has hit home.
It’s made my mood swing around a bit.
Well, to be honest, it’s not just because the kids are gone.
But I’ve been relying on them to keep my new life centered. When they’re around it’s about keeping them fed, dressed, happy.
When they’re not around there’s way too much time to dwell on my unknown future.
I’m not good with unknown futures.
I’m a planner. Planning makes me feel secure and safe and in control.
I tried to fill the void over the weekend by going to the gym twice, popping over to my sister’s for a bacon and egg roll, house hunting, going to the pub with friends for a cider, taking baths, grocery shopping, finally cleaning the bathroom, watching three rom-coms starring Hugh Grant, being repeatedly horrified by RSVP …
Actually, that’s rather a lot when I write it down … yet the past few days have felt oddly empty.
It’s a bit like I’m marking time, waiting for my real life to begin.
Except this IS my real life.
And being alone makes me realise my new life needs to be a fulfilling one that’s not just about keeping my kids fed, dressed and happy.
I mean, they’re really, really important. But so am I.
What makes me happy?
I can’t be reliant on sucking the marrow of love from those around me to keep emotionally afloat.
It has to come from within.
Song of the day: Eric Carmen “All by myself”