Inappropriate touching


I got my hair coloured yesterday afternoon. As I lay back having my hair washed afterwards, the handsome young assistant gave me a luxurious, slow, sensuous head massage.

And you know what I thought, as my nails bit into the leatherette of the chair and my teeth clenched … JUST FARKING HURRY UP!

I didn’t say it because I thought it would be rude. He was trying so hard to make a good impression.

But it was a total waste of time. If my hairdresser had been there he would have stopped him. He’s used to my quirks after almost 20 years. He KNOWS how much I hate a fuss. Can’t even bear a blow-dry afterwards, happy to leave sopping wet.

Head massages are wasted on me. They make my skin crawl. I hate being pampered. All I can think about is how much time I’m wasting when I could be doing more important things like picking up potatoes for dinner.

Don’t even get me started on facials. Facials are my idea of HELL ON EARTH.

Needless to say meditation and I don’t mix.

I may look incredibly calm on the surface, but underneath I’m a seething mass of ideas and panic. Making me sit still for any length of time is sheer torture.

Same goes for deserted tropical islands … cue heart palpitations at the mere thought. Lying on a banana lounge all day doing nothing … good god noooooooo!

Hawaii is more my speed – I can stroll on the beach, have a quick dip, then pop to the shops. Much more fulfilling.

Mind you, I can be lulled. As a kid I became totally transfixed by test cricket. I was IN THE ZONE. Could sit in my grandparents Jason recliner for days, transfixed.

And the rockpools at Merewether chill me out.

But massages … get your hands off me!



8 thoughts on “Inappropriate touching

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  1. Haha…though not as extreme as you Alana, I do relate to your fear/paranoia about others (strangers) touching you. It’s rather funny that the poor hot young hairdresser’s head massage had the opposite effect the the one intended! I am okay with hairdressers, beauticians and manicurists doing their stuff but have never indulged in a body massage as my friends do regularly. The thought of taking off my clothes while a perfect stranger kneads and pummels my naked body leaves me cold! BTW love the graphic!

    1. I understand, but I do love a head massage. However facials, foot massages,and back massages scare me. What is relaxing about having a stranger toughing your body? Just been to an island and I swam in the deep hole. That was relaxing and calming. Love holidays; bring them on more often.

  2. Ooh no. Can’t agree with you on this one. Head massage at the hairdresser is my absolutely fave part. Sooo relaxing. I have relaxation massages too sometimes. Love ’em. Remedial massages not so much. And would never contemplate one of those hardcore massages done by a babushka-wearing Eastern European intent on inflicting the utmost pain.
    Regarding holidays, I need some (a lot) of activity too. Not for me deserted island either. We used to take our kids to Hawaii every year for holidays every year when they were younger. It was perfect. Their father would take them to the beach while I hit the shops. Suited all of us. I could never understand why my husband would endure 10 hours on a plane to then spend his entire holiday on a beach, when we lived in Merewether and could go to the beach for free any day we liked. Lots of other things I didn’t understand about him either which explains why he’s an ex-husband.

  3. Hi Alana, I am totally with you on this one. I just hate strangers touching me. So many people I know tell me to “get a massage”. I have had one when my sister gave me a gift voucher but I just wanted it to be over. I agree with you on the hairdresser head massage too – totally wasted on me. I have also tried meditation class (years ago when I was at uni) and just kept thinking of all the things I needed/wanted to be doing and just wanted to get the hell out of the class! LOVE Waikikki, one of my fave places, so much to do. I wish I could go there more often. I grew up in Bondi but couldn’t for the life of me just go and lie on the beach all day, so boring!

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