Best Valentine’s gift EVER

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I got the best Valentine’s Day present EVER yesterday. It wasn’t chocolates or flowers or diamonds or a thorough seeing to … it was way BETTER.

A friend sent me a text message announcing:  “Guess who has put their house up for sale in our street? The rotten family opposite you who have all those parties.”

There are no words for how excited I was.

Regular followers of the blog are probably familiar with the Not So Neighbourly Neighbours.

I have bitched about them on numerous occasions because they have loud parties at least once a week that have been known to go ALL NIGHT and FARKING PISS ME OFF. I hate their bony private school boy asses.

My carping started with Sooooo Not Neighbourly, which catalogued “music so loud the whole street sounded like one big rave”. I stormed around there on that particular night and had a set-to with the bouncers “on the front lawn, with me using the words “no respect” a lot and “what about the people with little kids trying to sleep?”. Then I went home, took two sleeping tablets, called the police, and spent the minutes before oblivion plotting revenge (initially wanted to waterbomb their house with food-dye-filled balloons, then decided on hiding prawns in their garden to rot and stink).”

One night, I even wrote a poem in their honour, called Ode To My Noisy Neighbours, which owed more than a little inspiration to Go The F#@k to Sleep. Among the stanzas were:

“I’m cozy and warm in my bed, you hear.

Neighbours, please go the f#@k to sleep.

 The windows are dark in the suburb.
The tadpoles have settled in the deep.
I’ll read one last chapter on my Kindle, then I swear
You’d better turn down the music and go the f@#k to sleep.”
There has also been extensive snarkiness on Twitter and Facebook, plus endless hours midnight hours spent concocting cruel and unpleasant revenges.
And now they are leaving. Hurrah!
However, after having a good stickybeak at their house on domain.com.au I’ve discovered another reason to hate them. Their house is bloody fantastic. See example above (that’s the master bedroom, yikes!). There is also a Balinese pavilion and pool. No wonder they have parties all the time. I would too. But perhaps not with such terrible music and sans the drinking games accompanied by noisy renditions of “he’s a pisspot through and through, he’s a bastard so they say, drink it down, down, down …”
Actually, I’d quite like to buy their house. If it wasn’t out of my price range. Bastards.
Would that be weird?
PS To see the WORST Valentine’s gifts ever, head over to ivillage, where I had a hilarious time competing with my cohort Lana to see who could find the best one. Bacon roses anyone?

9 thoughts on “Best Valentine’s gift EVER”

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  2. Yay! Noisy neighbours on the move. I once sold a fab Merewether place and moved because it backed onto Frank Frasca’s Fruitorium and he liked to sing (loudly) ‘That’s Amore’ every farking morning at 4am!! Got to the stage where i condoned my then-teen son pegging an egg at Frank to try to shut him up. Worst neighbour I’ve ever had, apart from Margaret Goumas (but that’s another story).

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  3. We also had good property related news yesterday. The people opposite have 5 (!) children and rent. The house is for sale. Our kids and theirs spend all their time playing together (and outside!). Lovely family. We were devastated when it was put up for sale. Apparently an investor is buying it and they can stay!

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  5. Love this! I wrote a post yesterday with the same title- although different present- your present comes a pretty close second ;). Also, love your Ode to the neighbours- I recently published a post “Hurry the f*** up and eat” for my 15 month old, which was also inspired by “Go the f*** to sleep”. That house is gorgeous. Hope your new neighbours have children and early bed times x

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