HouseGoesHollywood: trapped princesses, sexy vets, cunning Katie …

PRINCE ALBERT’S MISERABLE WIFE

The loving couple on CBS News

DListed.com had me in stiches – as usual – over my brekkie. I’ve even hooked Husband, though he’s worried it’s all a bit too arch. But he can’t help laughing when I recite the best bits.

My favourite item was about Prince Albert of Monaco and his wife Princess Charlene’s interview yesterday for CBS News.

Here’s what DListed had to say: “Prince Albert of Monaco and his imprisoned, contract wife Princess Charlene sat down for an interview with CBS This Morning and it’s exactly the kind of interview you’d expect from a couple who never f@#k, can’t stand each other and are only together for image purposes. “Awwww, memories” said Katie Holmes …

“When Holly Williams asks Princess Charlene how she’s enjoying married life, she nervously and awkwardly laughs before letting out some canned answer. If you put a microscope up to that laugh, you’d see the words “HELP ME! OR AT LEAST GIVE ME A STRONG ROPE SO I CAN HANG MYSELF FROM THAT BOOM MIC!” encoded into it.”

To see the video in its excruciatingly awkward entirety, click here.

NO HUMPING DR CHRIS JOKES, PLEASE

Dr Chris Brown might just be the sexiest, nicest vet on the planet. And that’s my only excuse for including a photo of him on a camel in the column today.

@BondiVet tweeted yesterday: “Riding a camel in abu dhabi. Its just like riding a horse. Only without the saddle, stirrups, reins and oral hygiene.”

VULTURE PICKS THE BONES OF TOMKAT

The Vulture has published a fascinating feature on the demise of TomKat. Read it here. Gossips are speculating it might be the beginning of the end for Saint Katie and may even lead a wave of sympathy for Tom Cruise (if people can just get over all that crazy Scientology stuff).

The article explores all the myths and legends surrounding Tom, including his marriage to Nicole Kidman, and examines the publicity-stunt-like elements to his marriage to Katie Holmes. It makes great reading.

Particularly interesting is The Vulture’s take on how Katie is playing the media. “The Mercantile [the building where she is living in New York] is a curious choice for a woman in jeopardy … this is not some secluded building on East End Avenue. It’s in the center of the city … The building has a privacy-friendly underground garage, but so do dozens of other buildings in the city, and Holmes hasn’t even been taking advantage of it. If she wanted, she could exit the garage in a car with dark windows, and paparazzi would never catch a glimpse of her or Suri. Instead, every day, when she’s left the building for errands or meetings, she has promenaded out to a waiting car, in full view of photographers. Nor, when on foot, has she used the side entrance on 25th Street: She’s been stepping out right into the paparazzi maw for the sake of trivial grocery shopping.

Other juicy quotes include:

“I’m convinced that she’s the most fame-hungry person the world has ever seen,” says someone who’s worked with Holmes.

“But Scientology, or rather its terrible reputation, offered a way out. Holmes, unable to get the kinds of roles she wanted, realized she could cast herself in the part of a lifetime. Like Truman in The Truman Show, she finally grasped her ontological status as a character in a fiction, and that self-awareness propelled her out of the story and crashing through the fourth wall. She knew a good third-act twist when she saw one.”

“It’s not like she ever had a huge career to begin with. She was a rising star. Now she will have a huge career,” says an editor at a leading celebrity magazine. Holmes, emerging from a seven-year, one-on-one apprenticeship with the world’s most famous action hero, simply rewrote the script.”

PS US Weekly has lovingly reported on Katie and Suri taking a commercial flight (the first in Suri’s life?) to visit Katie’s parents in Ohio. They had this to say:

“The newly single mom — who filed for divorce from Tom  Cruise June 28 before reaching a quickie settlement July 9 — returned  to the Big Apple Tuesday following a weekend trip to her hometown of Toledo,  Ohio with Suri. (Holmes, 33, was given primary custody of her six-year-old in the agreement.)

“The mommy-daughter duo flew into the Detroit Metropolitan Wayne County  Airport on Saturday and then took a car to Holmes’ hometown. During their  mini-getaway, eyewitnesses spotted the two at the mall and swimming at a local country club’s pool.”

Yep, Katie is the consummate PR queen.

CHRISTIAN BALE VISITS BATMAN TRAGEDY SURVIVORS

Pics of Christian Bale visiting Batman tragedy survivors have popped up on Twitter. And he’s not there as a PR stunt by the film studio.

“Mr. Bale is there as himself, not representing Warner Brothers,” an assistant for the executive vice president for Warner Brothers corporate communications confirmed to the Denver Post.

Christian previously released a statement saying: “Words cannot express the horror that I feel. I cannot begin to truly understand the pain and grief of the victims and their loved ones, but my heart goes out to them.”

Good on him for actually hopping on a plane and visiting the hospital.

MORE JACKSON MAYHEM AND ABUSE

D-Listed is reporting that the executors of Michael Jackson’s estate and his three kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket want the court to give Tito Jackson’s son, TJ Jackson, temporary guardianship, because they believe that their aunties and uncles have kidnapped Katherine Jackson.

Meanwhile, TMZ has further juicy gossip from yesterday’s scuffle at the Jackson mansion: “Our sources say at one point Janet tried to grab a resistant Paris’ cell phone, a scuffle ensued and Janet slapped the teenager, screaming, “You’re a spoiled little bitch!”  We’re told Paris fired back with her own slap and told Janet, “This is our house. Not the Jackson family house. Get the f**k out!”

“At the same time, we’re told Trent Jackson, who was at the house, tried to stop an aggressive Randy and Jermaine.  We’re told Trent put Randy in a headlock and punched Jermaine in the mouth.”

To see pics of Randy Jackson and Janet Jackson having a stoush outside the house, click here.

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