Let’s talk about sex, baby

It was a sloooooow day for the blog yesterday, reaffirming something I’ve long suspected: readers hate posts about chooks. (What is wrong with you people? Chooks are awesome.) Undaunted – well, slightly daunted – I opened (sought solace in) a bottle of cheap sav blanc and started analysing all the dirty stuff people (men) have searched to arrive at housegoeshome. Because if there’s one thing working at Cosmo magazine for nine years taught me it’s … when chooks destroy your readership, sex will save you. (Actually, Cosmo didn’t teach me anything about chooks, but heaps about titilation.) My initial inspiration for the sex search was someone typing “pictures of naked women with really dark tans” and arriving at housegoeshome.com (major disappointment).  I thought, ooooooh, I’ll find lots of outrageous, provocative stuff to dazzle my readers. Sadly, no. What I did discover is that it’s Whitney Houston who’s really been driving extra traffic to my site over the past few months. Three hundred and forty sad, sad (sad, sad, sad) people have searched Whitney Houston and stumbled across housegoeshome.com. Some of them were seeking her “corpse”, others her “casket”, investigative types wanted to know about “blood on her legs” or “hotel sink”, the nutters were curious about her “entering the gates of heaven” or her “leggings”, and the total berks wanted to know “is she really dead?” I was starting to despair about finding non-Whitney perversion when I noticed that the other most popular search term on my blog was various permutations on “naked woman at home alone” (along with “Hug A Ginger Day”, poor unloved redheads). It pops up every single day in some form or another. I prefer to think the “alone” bit is because men think it’s more pervy and intimate rather than it being some creepy take-advantage-of-woman-with-no-one-to-protect-her scenario. Either way, interesting. Other dirty search terms: “tits”, “hardcore sex”, “cute little girl plus thong” (praying they mean Havianas, terrified they don’t), “anal buffet” (tasty), “wife swapping” and “school holiday of porn” (oh-kay). And a special non-sexual bizarro award goes to “What was Arnold on Different Strokes lizard’s name?” Hey man, I’m with you, I’ve always wanted to know that too … No I haven’t, yer freak.

Oh, and just to keep it nice and saucy, I’m posting a sausage recipe this arvo. Oooh-er.