Who’s a big phoney?

I may have overstated our penury to the Sprogs. Standing in the local butcher’s last night, I asked Sprog 1 if she’d prefer a chicken skewer or sausages for dinner. “Which is cheaper?” she nervously asked. Now, there are many cuts that can be made to our budget before we arrive at saving 50c on a sausage. For example, the cleaner. I’ve been meaning to downgrade the cleaner to fortnightly (in our flush, double-income days the luxury of a weekly cleaner was justified by Sprog 2’s dust-mite-related eczema). But, being a coward, I want to break the news via text message. Unfortunately, I keep running into her on cleaning day. First, because Sprog 1 was sick in bed, then because Sprog 2 was sick in bed, then today because the chicken gulag collapsed and I had to chase chooks all over the yard. The cleaner smiles every time and asks, “You happy with cleaning?”. “Yes, yes, very happy thank you!” I reply. Can’t very well send an “I’m slashing your pay by 50%” message after that, can I? Confrontation isn’t my strong suit. It was hard enough retrenching the nanny, who’d been with us for seven years. I felt like vomitting before that conversation, because I knew how she’d take it. When we moved to New York for 10 months, she was so distraught that her husband had to drop the kids off for the last time. She polished off half a bottle of scotch to calm her nerves, then rang to say goodbye. The half bottle didn’t quite cut it, and the conversation quickly descended into broken sobs. The cleaner won’t sob (I hope), but I decided to hightailed my cowardly arse out of the house and away from the problem anyway. Destination: the mobile phone store. I’ve been having withdrawal symptoms from the Blackberry I had to relinquish when I left work. I went in a couple of days ago and requested the most basic model in stock (hate that new-fangled touch screen stuff, I want lots of buttons). A sobering moment came when Mobile Man said Husband would have to sign the form for me to get a phone. Hence the redux visit to the phone store today. Mobile Man asked if I wanted a fancy, new “voice to text” service they’re offering. “Husband said no,” I replied. “Husband said no?” he responded. “Husband said no,” I reiterated. “I’ll give you a three-month free trial,” said Mobile Man. “Oh …. ok,” I said. “What about insurance?” said mobile man. “Ah, oh, I don’t know …” I agonised. I’ve never had to worry about insurance before, as the company always paid for lost phones. Noting my constipated facial expression and easily swayed demeanor he said, “I’ll give you one month’s free insurance!”. I started to worry mobile man was upselling outrageously, but accepted the kind offer of free insurance – Husband can sort it out later. Luckily the Blackberry fits into our new budget, because it is “free” on a 24-month plan. The fine print reveals it will actually cost at least $1559.52 over the next two years, but as we don’t have a home phone, I figure it’s an “essential” expense. Mobile Man said I just have to avoid video streaming on the phone, as that’s not covered by the “plan”. Since I have no idea how to either stream video or watch it stream, I reckon I’m pretty safe.

TONIGHT’S MENU: I’m outdoing myself tonight. Leftover sausages, leftover Latina ravioli, three-day-old mashed potato and (fresh) veg (Sprogs); leftover slow-roasted lamb (me); Latina ravioli that expired on August 1 with Latina tomato sauce that expired on August 4 (Husband, can’t let good food go to waste under our new budget-conscious regime!).