I never learn

The eldest’s week-long visit to Sydney is drawing to a close and I lie in bed each night berating myself for not making the most of every moment he’s here.

We had dinner together at the local Middle Eastern BYO on Monday night, then wandered past a puppy training class at the local vet (nawwwww, corgi puppies are sooooooo cute) and up to Coles for some supplies, then back home via the post office lockers to collect my latest (and last) purchase of the season.

When we returned home I settled down to tap away at the computer, while the eldest sat at the table for a few minutes having a protein drink before heading to his old room.

When his bedroom door shut I was suddenly jolted by the realisation that I had chosen to immerse myself in the digital world when I could have been bonding with my child.

I went into an absolute spiral of panic and regret.

How do I keep making the same mistake over and over? I spent the better part of my 20s regretting that I didn’t talk to my great-grandmother more when she was alive. She lived with my grandparents and was desperate for a chat when I visited during the school holidays. But I was annoyed by her intrusions as I tried to read my book.

A few years after she died and I’d matured, I berated myself for being so heartless.

I swore to never do it again.

And then my dad passed away and I felt like I never really knew him. Why didn’t I ask more questions and show more curiosity while I had the chance?

As for motherhood, I wasn’t very good at parenting babies – what on earth are you supposed to do with them between feeds and naps and why do they cry so much? Playing with small children wasn’t my forte either. I finally found my feet in their teens and then suddenly they were gone.

Again, I was tortured by so many regrets. Why didn’t I build more sandcastles, play more imaginary games and embrace those finite summers I was given when the kids were all mine and wanted my undivided attention.

Now they don’t even live in the same city as me.

And when they visit, I fail to grab every precious moment with them.

I never learn.

Song of the day: Split Enz “That was my mistake”