Hurts so good

My left butt cheek was vigorously massaged by a lovely woman called Margot yesterday.

It hurt so good.

Margot is the physio who’s trying to fix my Shanghai hip injury. Remember how I screwed it up by sitting on the concrete twisted at a funny angle taking photographs of the closing ceremony of the 2018 World Rope Skipping Championships?

I’d been convincing myself the pain would go away on its own, but it didn’t.

I’ve been fairly OK during the day as long as I kept moving, but I wake up around 1am in lower levels of agony from the inertia.

While the pain started out on the left side of my hip, it slowly migrated up my back and down into my leg joint and thigh.

It’s been making me feel very old and tired.

The old and tired feeling went into overdrive a few days ago when I freaked out about maybe having my first sign of menopause. Menopause scares me more than spiders. I want them both to stay the hell away from me.

I went into complete meltdown mode to DD over it. I’m not sure boyfriends wish to be subjected to complete meltdowns by their girlfriends over possibly having first signs of menopause. Not the sexiest of conversations. But I have no boundaries and he’s trying to adjust.

Speaking of unsexy: I was taped up by Margot after my butt massage yesterday and instructed to pop two Voltaren before bed, then sleep on my side with a rolled up towel under my waist and a pillow between my knees. Hawt. Nawt.

Also not particularly effective. I had another painful, crappy night’s sleep. Poor me.

But back to the dreaded hormones … I stumbled across an article by the wonderful Bron and Mumlyfe – a great website for mums of teens – the other day called Puberty vs Perimenopause: Let’s get ready to rumble.

Bron notes: “As someone who ‘delayed’ children, having my first at 32 — an age I have learned that many still consider quite young to start having kids — I have unwittingly signed up to the prize fight to end all prize fights: Puberty vs Perimenopause.

“You see, my kids will be going through puberty at exactly the same time I’m perimenopausal. It’s like the perfect hormonal storm is rapidly brewing on the horizon and right now I’m floating towards it in a blow-up dingy.”

If Bron “delayed” having children until 32, then I’m not sure what sort of crazy you’d call me having my first at 35.

She lists the signs of perimenopause as:

  • hot flushes
  • night sweats
  • insomnia
  • fatigue
  • forgetfulness
  • irritability
  • mood swings
  • lack of self-esteem
  • low libido

I have fatigue, irritability, mood swings and lack of self-esteem, but I’m not sure I can blame them on perimenopause. I think that’s just screwed up me.

Hooray.

(NB The symptom I panicked about isn’t on that list. Don’t you love a little intrigue with your morning coffee?)

She also notes the signs of puberty are:

  • sweaty
  • tired
  • irritable
  • moody
  • non-existent self-esteem

Well there’s certainly a lot of tired irritability in my kids.

Fortunately we don’t seem to be clashing too terribly over it.

In fact, I almost keeled over in surprise when I got home yesterday afternoon to discover the kids in the kitchen baking cookies together.

That’s a first – they normally avoid each other like the plague. I was quite startled.

Also startling were the flavour of the youngest’s cookies. She accidentally created a new flavour – salted vanilla. I’m not sure it will catch on …

Oh, and in completely unrelated news, I’ve start watching television again. I caught the second half of The Bachelor after being intrigued by a video I saw on Facebook featuring the Honey Badger’s favourite expressions:

I was hooked the moment I saw the Russian chick called Dasha do a handstand in an evening dress and wrap her legs around the Badger’s neck and proceed to do a set of vertical sit ups on his chest.

I almost wet myself (not a menopause symptom) laughing.

Song of the day: John Mellencamp “Hurts so good”

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