No sainthood for me

As my regular readers know, I’m big on positive co-parenting to ensure your kids come out the other side of divorce as unscathed as possible.

I miss out on sainthood because I write a daily blog that expresses occasional displeasure with the way my marriage ended.

But, apart from that, I reckon I’ve been pretty bloody reasonable. That’s why it startles me when someone sprays bile about the way I’ve handled things.

It’s fascinating how people decide they know what went down and have their snarky say when they actually have NO idea.

But that’s not what this blog post is about.

Well, not exactly.

It IS about how divorce can bring out the worst in people.

Fortunately, my ex and I realised that while we no longer loved each other we were still crazy about our kids. Preserving their happiness was our primary goal.

So we were very civilised about splitting up our assets.

We didn’t drag it through the courts. We didn’t pull dirty tricks. We chose to be grown-ups and remember who the kids were.

I’ve never thought the world owes me anything for the hit my bank balance took when I became a single mum.

So, when my husband left I found a job and got on with it.

I don’t expect someone to come along and save me. I know – hard as it might be – that I need to save myself.

So I was shocked when I got back from my recent holiday and someone suggested DD was supporting my lifestyle.

My largely dormant feminist heart started beating wildly.

I say largely dormant because I have trouble processing the concept that anyone would think you are a lesser human because of the sex organ between your legs.

That’s just plain STUPID.

Mind you, it’s been a little harder to ignore than usual this week following Donald Trump’s appointment of a white supremacist who wants to remove women’s rights as one of his main advisers, but I intend to forge onwards, undaunted and proud of my gender.

Actually … now I’m on a ranty roll … that’s another reason why women who pull poor, helpless me stunts during divorces piss me off because if you CAN, pull your weight and don’t treat men like ATMs.

[Amendment following a few upset comments: OF COURSE your ex should pay child support and take care of his kids. That’s a given. It isn’t treating him as an ATM, it’s doing the right thing. And if you can’t contribute financially because you’re having trouble finding work or have other issues working against you, then that’s totally understandable too.]

Aaaaand, that brings me back to the concept of DD being my lifestyle supporter. Forget that, he has enough on his plate.

Sure, we’ve had a few holidays, but we generally lead a pretty modest life: swims at the beach, steak on his deck, a glass of wine on the couch.

And we take care of each other. A small example: I bought a bottle of red wine and cooked pasta and meatballs for our dinner on Sunday night, he bought me brekkie on Monday morning on our way to work.

I miss never having to worry about money, but I’m philosophical about the way the world turns. I’m rich emotionally. I feel occasional nostalgia for the days when I could go on shopping sprees, but that’s no longer my reality … something I realised when a friend who lives overseas asked me to recommend a good Aussie shopping site and I had no idea what to suggest because that’s no longer my world.

Travel, paying bills and slooooowly schmicking up my house are my priorities and its up to me to fund them.

The rest is a nice-to-have rather than a must-have.

My kids take packed lunches to school every day, we occasionally go out to a cheap and cheerful restaurant (when we were overseas they were restricted to 12 euros and under meals on the menus) and I’ve developed a healthy appreciation for hand-me-downs.

That’s my reality, well, unless I win the latest yourtown lottery. It’s a CORKER – a gorgeous house beside the beach at Kingscliff. The youngest and I are totally OBSESSED …

Rant over. Anything you’d like to get off your chest?

Song of the day: The Pretenders “I’ll stand by you”

PS I made the stroganoff meatballs, adding in a little chilli and tomato paste. They were YUMMY, if not entirely photogenic (damn you sour cream) …












8 thoughts on “No sainthood for me

  1. You say u don’t judge situations yet u say u hate divorced women that treat the father of their children as ‘atms’ ?? I would consider not being a contradictive bitch and speak about your own experiences before evaluating others xoxo

    • Oh Sarah, I am mortified that you’ve misunderstood me. Men should definitely support their kids financially and the ones who don’t should be ashamed of themselves. I’m talking about the situation being abused by either sex.

  2. Dear Alana, I don’t try and generally judge situations over here, and sometimes things aren’t really other peoples business, but I guess it is in a blog! LOL. Anyway, I’d just like to get this off my chest, my dirty ex husband (we divorced in 2003) doesn’t pay child support. So as much as people think I might be treating him as an “ATM” (lol haha), Im merely trying to support my children instead of it all funding his luxurious self centred life style. 🙂

    • Janice, that is AWFUL. And you’re not treating him like an ATM, you just want to make sure your children are taken care of and he’s letting you all down. It seems that I’ve been misunderstood, I get cross about people – male and female – who put their ex partners through hell and damage their kids in the process.

  3. Ummm. I didn’t read that the way others seem to be reading that. Accepting child support is not treating someone like an ATM, it is something that should happen, and if it takes garnering from wages to make that happen, bring it on. BUT, I didn’t read the original post as dissing child support. I have seen women who DO treat their partners and ex-partners as ATMs and men who do the same. Any little thing that comes up, out goes the hand, with no attempt to find the money themselves. And I’m talking about every thing, above and beyond child support. Wants a trip overseas to visit rels. Where’s the money? My car needs replacing or fixing. Where’s the money? New shoes. Where’s the money. Stuff that is about them and not about the children. It does happen and to my mind that was what Alana was talking about. Apart from the whole fairness or otherwise of the situation, it’s also about self-respect.

    • visiting relatives overseas seems reasonable to me… i often ask my ex-husband to help out with payments to see my family in france. I have lived in Australia for over 15 years with him and have had no family at all throughout my divorce! i gave up my career for him; and it has been difficult to regain my status in the workforce. Once again- i have to agree with Janice- this post was quite offensive to me i have to admit. Women should not bring other women down in regards to anything; let alone something as private as a relationship. You never know what goes on behind closed doors! commenting on others’ relationships is not acceptable for me personally.
      just something to think about
      – Jeanette B. xx

      • Saying “I’m going overseas and you are paying” when the divorce is eight years down the track IS unreasonable. And yes, I have seen this happen. Usually followed by drunken abusive phonecalls even if the cash is put up. There are people who do abuse situations, Alana has stated that she was NOT talking about child support, yet you choose to continue to be offended even after an apology. Continuing to cast blame and be yourself very judgemental is not acceptable for me personally. Scroll on.

      • HI Megan; I was not trying to cast blame on Alana; claiming I am ‘judgemental’ is confusing to me, as this is a public domain. I’ve never actually mentioned being divorced from my husband for ‘8 years’- wonder where this number emerged from? Commenting on other women’s ‘Self-Respect’ is none of your concern- key word ‘self’. I have shared 4 beautiful children with my husband; someone who earns 7x the amount I earn annually. I have minimal help from him financially and through custody, aiding finacially with my children’s airfares seems appropriate to me (not seeking your comments on this) ;However I won’t discuss my personal matters with you- especially on an online blog! Maybe close your screen and tend to those ‘drunken abusive phonecalls’ 🙂

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