I’m off to a school reunion this weekend. About 20 of us are catching up to mark 30 years since we left Kotara High.
Geez that makes me feel old.
And, wow, a lot has happened to me since we last caught up at our 25-year school reunion (the Kotara gang quite love a catch-up).
For starters, there’s my whole marriage mess and it’s fall-out. Blerk.
Oddly, I think I look better now than I did five years ago. I’m about to get my licence renewed and I’d been blaming my drab, bleak appearance in the photo on those terrible cameras they use.
But I was searching through photos the other day for a shot of myself with the youngest and realised that I looked crap in all the snaps back then.
Not in the too-hard-on-ourselves way we tend to have. I genuinely think I look better, if older, now.
Sure, my cheeks sag a little more, but there’s a sparkle in my eyes and a light to my features that disappeared for a while.
I still have my wobbly moments, but generally I’m loving my new life.
I know I need to let go of the anger I feel towards my ex to truly heal.
Goddamn that’s hard.
What happened feels so unjust and cruel.
I might be friendly with my ex, but I haven’t forgiven him.
How can I forgive him? Why should I?
I suppose you forgive for selfish reasons. Not to make them feel better, but so you can move on yourself.
I don’t have that in me yet.
I think I’m doing pretty damn well. I’ve nailed the co-parenting thing … so far … I’ve met a lovely man … I’ve built a happy new life.
Surely that’s enough for now?
Sometimes the anger bubbles to the surface and my mind recoils in disbelief at the way I was treated.
It feels like he’s moved on with Teflon smoothness.
He’s bought an apartment with his paramour. They will move in together and get their happily ever after.
I wish I could be pleased for him, but all I can taste is bile.
Forgiveness would cleanse that bitterness.
Just. Can’t. Do. It. Yet.
Are you good at forgiving?
Song of the day: James “Getting away with it”