Doing it old school

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I’m off to a school reunion this weekend. About 20 of us are catching up to mark 30 years since we left Kotara High.

THIRTY YEARS.

Fark!

Geez that makes me feel old.

And, wow, a lot has happened to me since we last caught up at our 25-year school reunion (the Kotara gang quite love a catch-up).

For starters, there’s my whole marriage mess and it’s fall-out. Blerk.

Oddly, I think I look better now than I did five years ago. I’m about to get my licence renewed and I’d been blaming my drab, bleak appearance in the photo on those terrible cameras they use.

But I was searching through photos the other day for a shot of myself with the youngest and realised that I looked crap in all the snaps back then.

Not in the too-hard-on-ourselves way we tend to have. I genuinely think I look better, if older, now.

Sure, my cheeks sag a little more, but there’s a sparkle in my eyes and a light to my features that disappeared for a while.

I still have my wobbly moments, but generally I’m loving my new life.

I know I need to let go of the anger I feel towards my ex to truly heal.

Goddamn that’s hard.

What happened feels so unjust and cruel.

I might be friendly with my ex, but I haven’t forgiven him.

How can I forgive him? Why should I?

I suppose you forgive for selfish reasons. Not to make them feel better, but so you can move on yourself.

I don’t have that in me yet.

I think I’m doing pretty damn well. I’ve nailed the co-parenting thing … so far … I’ve met a lovely man … I’ve built a happy new life.

Surely that’s enough for now?

Sometimes the anger bubbles to the surface and my mind recoils in disbelief at the way I was treated.

It feels like he’s moved on with Teflon smoothness.

He’s bought an apartment with his paramour. They will move in together and get their happily ever after.

I wish I could be pleased for him, but all I can taste is bile.

Forgiveness would cleanse that bitterness.

Just. Can’t. Do. It. Yet.

Are you good at forgiving? 

Song of the day: James “Getting away with it”

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6 thoughts on “Doing it old school

  1. We had our 30 year reunion last year. Orange High School. I couldn’t go as I was overseas but followed all the banter on FB before and after. One of the guys sent a message on FB the morning of the reunion asking if it was too late to attend. It wasn’t. Anyway he was in the process of transitioning to a woman. Andrew was now Andi. He had only been with us for 1 year ( yr 12) but was well liked. Everyone was highly supportive and he wrote a fantastic message to everyone after the reunion thanking them. I was lucky to go to school with a great bunch of people.

    On the forgiveness thing. My observation of it is that when my mother was able to truly forgive my father for his infidelity and the destruction of their 23 yr marriage she was able to heal. I know that sounds very pop psychology, but I saw it in action. She was rewarded by being able to marry a man perfect for her.

    Have a great time at the reunion!

  2. You have to be ready to forgive before you can forgive. Let it take its time. But you’re right when you say forgiveness helps you move on – forgiveness really helps the forgiver as much, if not more than the forgivee. I’ve seen the results of unforgiveness with people I know and they would definitely be happier if they forgave, like Sally says above. But it looks like you’ve come such a long way in terms of moving on and you should be very proud of yourself! It’s great you can be friendly with your ex.

  3. I would say I forgive (because not forgiving is bad for yourself) but I never forget. If the trust is destroyed then so is the relationship/friendship. But I was brought up to keep a civil tongue in my head so I tend to put up a neutral force field when I have to deal with them again You’ve done wonderfully Alana. You really have x.

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