So. Much. Food

I reckon I’ve gained a kilo a day on this cruise. My god they know how to feed you.

It starts with double breakfast. Zumba is at 9am so I duck up to the Windjammer Cafe and grab an oatbran muffin. Couldn’t possibly do a 50-minute sweaty Latin exercise class without sustenance, even in a four-metre swell. Now, I know that sounds healthy in theory, but it’s an American ship so I reckon there’s 5 teaspoons of sugar for every teaspoon of oatbran in that sweet morsel.

At 9.50am we meet Nonna and Pop for second breakfast in the Windjammer Cafe. There are around six food stations serving everything from made-to-order omelettes to bacon and eggs to waffles to fruit and cereals.

When I’m in delusional diet mode I make myself a bagel with cream cheese and vast swathes of smoked salmon and call it virtuous. Very restrained, no? Sometimes I lash out and switch the bagel for an English muffin, then add poached eggs and hollandaise sauce.

After brekkie it’s off to the Starbucks cafe for a coffee Frappuccino – skim milk, no cream, like that helps.

Yesterday we skipped lunch … sort of … and had little packets of chippies and choc chip cookies and vegetarian quesadillas while we watched Blended in the cinema. Hmmmm … That’s not really skipping lunch, is it?

(It was also a bit of a hold-my-breathe choice in terms of movie subject matter … AWKWARD.)

If we’d fancied a proper lunch there was a barbecue on the pool deck … Or more buffet in the Windjammer.

After the movie we headed to the hot dog stand for the youngest’s afternoon tea.

At 6pm it’s dinner, three courses in the dining room, served by our friendly waiters Eric and Polvin. As a nod to healthy eating, the kids start with vegetable crudités (with ranch dipping sauce …). Then they go to town on the adult menu. Among the adventurous choices they’ve made are escargot, scallops, prawn cocktail, bombe Alaska, French onion soup and kangaroo fillet. The youngest would also like to honourably mention having spag Bol with chips one night “yeah, yeah – that was weird!”

Their mum meanwhile has dined on prawns with crabmeat mash, medium-rare steak with herb butter, slider burgers on tomato brioche buns, Singapore noodles and lamb shanks.

The other night, the youngest fancied a soft serve ice cream after watching the Argentinian tango dancers perform. So we headed back to Windjammer, where the eldest and I were seduced by a giant chicken and mushroom pie. So we shared a scoop despite not being the slightest bit hungry.

Then last night we backed up from watching juggler/comedian Mr Ricochet with a trip to the dessert station at Windjammer – key lime pie, peach crumble, choc-chip cookies, strawberry mousse, made-to-order crepes …

We could also have indulged in the 11pm buffet on the pool deck. But I passed out in bed instead with my iPad still in my hands … Removed by the eldest when she spotted me sitting comatose and open-mouthed beside her.

Wake at 8am. Repeat.

And it doesn’t end when I roll off the ship this morning because I switch into something called an A-lister’s Guide to Sydney … It kicks off at Icebergs Dining Room tonight (details tmw). My gawd, pinching myself (and all my new fat rolls).

Try not to hate me too much. Just think of all the elastic-waisted skirts I’ll have to buy.